Thursday, February 28, 2008

Nathan's 4 Very Effective Ways of Avoiding Contracting the Influenza and Certain Death While Riding on Elevators During Flu Season

Seriously, if you want to get sick, don't pay any attention to the secrets I'm about to disclose to you...

1) Don't touch anything or anyone. Not with your fingers, not with you clothes, not with your right kneecap. The only thing that should be touching anything is the bottoms of your shoes. Hopefully, somebody else will be going to your floor, but it might mean riding for a while until the the elevator decides to stop on your floor. Unless you are forced to perform CPR on somebody, don't touch anyone!

2) Don't ride with little children. I love kids, but they're germ magnets. If you see a child on the elevator, don't get on. If you are on and a child gets on, get off immediately. Unless you have your own children with you, and they're too scared to ride in a separate elevator without you, don't ride with little children!

3) Wear lots of layers. Just in case you do touch something/someone, or something/someone touches you, you still have a defense. By wearing layers, you can remove the contaminated layer and burn it in a trashcan (most elevators have trashcans nearby). The more rides you planning on taking on the elevator, the more layers you'll need to wear. Unless you are going to ride naked and shower immediately upon exiting the elevator (which seems just a little extreme to me), wear lots of layers.

4) Don't Breathe.
Hold your breath. Even if you're not touching a thing, you still must hold your breath the entire time to completely avoid exposure. If you can't make it all the way to your floor, get out, refuel, and then get back in. Or, you can wear an oxygen tank. Unless you're about to pass out and be forced to touch something or have somebody perform CPR on you, don't breath!

No need to thank me.

Nate

77 comments:

Emily said...

snicker - love it! Don't wear those germy shoes in your house. ;)

candidchatter said...

I seriously love your sense of humor. I think I've told you this before.

Nate: that is probably why you have so many visitors -- i mean, the story is dramatic and people's hearts are in it for you and we pray for you -- but to keep coming back day after day, week after week -- it's because you are very, very funny and you are a talented writer and thru you we have fallen in love with your girls

Heidi R.

iboverton said...

Nathan, I had a lung tx almost 8 years ago and I like your thinking! I use every way possible to not get germs. Also, if you absolutely have to touch the buttons on the elevator, do it with your elbow and then you can throw out that layer that touched the button! Also, watch those doors, if it is one you can push open, push it with your butt or your elbow. I agree with you about kids, I love kids but boy are they germ magnets! I hope you all make it safely through the flu season. Prayers to you and Tricia and Gwenyth.
Irene

Shari said...

I am giggling again for the second time today. Your sense of humor is great! And, yes, I know all about germs since going through chemo for a year and no immune system. Let's see...bleach, Lysol, hand sanitizer, and antibacterial soap have become some of my friends.

Toodle-Loo,

Shari

Slade said...

LOVE your funnyness...is that even a word? :-)

Ashley said...

HAHA!! That is too funny! I love the fact that through the situation you are currently facing, you still find time to make jokes!

Prayers are continued for you and your girls!

Ashley
Raleigh, NC

Jaime said...

bahahahaha i just laughed out loud in my university library (and got some weird looks) but i couldn't help myself! this post was just so funny to me. i can just imagine the looks of the people in the elevator with you! hahahahahaha... still laughing.....

Carol said...

Bummer - I'm doomed!

Shawna in Oklahoma said...

This post should have come with an ****EMPTY YOUR BLADDER BEFORE READING**** warning. You are so funny. Your humor is SO like my husbands is kills me. I often read him your posts and he laughs. This one will be one to read him for sure. Thanks for making the stalking I do here entertaining. It means alot to me. LOL We are still praying for you!

Slade said...

Just added you to my page! Please don't take my blog name the wrong way! :-)

God bless you all! still praying...

BuckeyeNP said...

I pretty much follow all those principles on a regular basis, and I'm *not* heading to visit any NICU babies or anything. You forgot my favorite, wear a thing of hand sanitizer spray on a lanyard around your neck and spray anyone who threatens your personal space. works like a charm for me.
:)

inchristalone said...

I carry disposable gloves in my pocket

Meredith said...

I carry Lysol with me wherever I go! LOL

Kathy's Korner said...

Do you have any tips for stairwell health? Cause based on the list I believe elevators are just plain and simply off limits for the next few months!!!! :D :D :D :D

JonesFam4 said...

one step closer to bubble boy

debbale said...

Too funny I love your sense of humor.....Can I start breathing now?

Cara said...

I agree about the Lysol! I've been known to spray sick people who enter my home. Works like a charm! :)

You're hysterical and I just love reading your blog. Still praying for you guys.

Carol Kossman said...

Let's hope those Scrabble tiles weren't contaminated!!!! And, wipe that Pug dog down, too. And, don't touch toilet handles or the doors into or out of the bathroom. And, don't eat the mints as you leave a restaurant. Watch out of the buttons on the telephone. And, wear clean underwear!

OceanDesert said...

Since I've been listed for a tx, my husband and I have been extra careful trying not to get colds, flu, etc... He found this device that can go on your keychain, The Handler, that is AWESOME for opening doors, pushing elevator buttons, faucets, whatev... AND it has antimicrobial compounds that protect it's surface! check it out...

www.handlerusa.com

the schirano triplets said...

Lol! With 3 preemies at home in the midst of their first RSV/Flu season, that is basically what I do! So funny!

Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Throw This Mom a Bone said...

My newest obsession: Clorox Anywhere spray. Last week my husband was sick and I literally followed him around the house with it (when I let him out of our bedroom, that is) and sprayed everything he touched.

Must have worked, my three girls (4, 3 & 16mos) all managed to stay healthy but for a couple of runny noses! :)

Stay Healthy!!!!

walkingbyfaith said...

I love this post. Very informative && entertaining. =]

Dee Dee said...

Yep. Sounds effective : )

jmgarnet76 said...

Sometimes when riding on the elevator, I'll put my face in the crook of my arm. Everyone looks at me weird, but then again how am I supposed to know they don't have the funky funk that just hasn't shown up.

I've seen the funkiest of funk at the daycare. I almost feel like burning my clothes every day when I come home.

Gibson Twins said...

How about taking the stairs without touching the handrails?

Jess Martinez said...

SO funny!

OBX Rox said...

I'm going to have to buy you all the seasons of "Monk" for Christmas this year. :)

mom2izzyandallen said...

Funny stuff as usual

lizcannon said...

wait, better.... you should layer with washable (b/c i am a hippie) plastic trash bags... then you don't have to worry about being naked (unless t-bomb misses that) and showering and holding your breath.... B/C you can just get totally inside the bag and hold it closed at the top, and it will only be a few mins max, so you at least won't suffocate (then need some germy person to do cpr). i'm a genius.

Anna Marie said...

Nate, you totally crack me up. I rode those Duke elevators many times when visiting my son in the PICU, so I know well of what you speak! Don't forget the precautions you have to take while standing in the huge crowd that gathers in the lobby WAITING for the elevators.

ApplePieMom said...

OR...you could just be an elementary school nurse and getting on an elevator is the least of your problems.

Jim and Jaena said...

You can also wear one of those cute little masks over your nose and mouth to keep out the germs.

Mary said...

I'm just going to quote and DITTO Heidi R.....

"I seriously love your sense of humor. I think I've told you this before.

Nate: that is probably why you have so many visitors -- i mean, the story is dramatic and people's hearts are in it for you and we pray for you -- but to keep coming back day after day, week after week -- it's because you are very, very funny and you are a talented writer and thru you we have fallen in love with your girls"

Yeah, what she said. Couldn't have said it better myself...

Mary
Florida

Lesley said...

Love it!!! You have a great sense of humor! Although, I must admit I am a bit of a germ-a-phobe myself. When I go to the grocery store, or to WalMart ... it's all I can do to make myself hold onto a shopping cart!! Ugggghhhhhh!!! Usually, I carry anti-bacterial wipes in my purse and wipe the basket off before I touch it! Does that work?? I have no idea, but it surely makes me feel better!!

Lesley
in Louisiana

careysue said...

Thanks for the advice-taking our son in for a tune-up tomorrow! It makes me laugh just picturing you on an elevator or running off!!!

The VW's said...

THAT was hilarious! Some good ideas you have there! Don't go off the deep end though! You might be germ free, but you could lose your mind in the process trying to get away from them! :) Thanks for the best laugh I've had all day, maybe even week!

AlaneM said...

Well I'm out! This is our first year with a kid in school...yeah, we've been sick since November (seriously!)
You are so funny!!

kidsworld said...

Be germ free...become a mouth breather!!!

refreshing in ohio

Karen said...

In church this past Sunday, the worship leader told us not to shake hands and greet each other, just to smile, and sort of nod. Too many germs! HA!

Debra said...

Thanks for the laugh!
Debbi/Aspiemom

happydaisies143 said...

I work at a bank and have to touch people's STANK money all day... AND I have a child in daycare with lots of germy children. Seriously, he brings home a new type of germ every week. And unfortunately, I have to breathe...there is no hope for me!!!!

Brian & Amy England said...

LOL...that is hilarious!!! Thanks for the smile today!! I needed that!!
Prayers are still going up for you guys!!!

The Phillips Family said...

Cracking me up yet again. I know all about that since my husband and myself both work in a hospital (I'm and RN and he's a resp. therapist). And not to mention that our 4 year old son has the flu right now (no shot due to an egg allergy). Another thing to prevent germ spreadage, not necessarily the flu--flush the toilet with your shoe and open doors with your long sleeved shirt wrapped around your hand. Believe me, I'm all about touching as little as possible in this day and age. Thanks for the laugh.

Adrienne said...

Speaking of elevators, have you learned to step to the farthest corner when you get on so you can get the maximum amount of people on? Believe me, once you have done hospital elevators, all the uneducated masses in "normal" public just irritate you. LOL.

Michelle said...

:-) I would hate to get stuck in the elevator with you. You are right, though. That is probably good to do right now.

Deb said...

How very informative! It might be a little more practical in the summer than now- but maybe riding naked and then showering really is the easiest way to go. Plus it saves on all the extra clothes you would have to buy after burning the ones you have. At least for us- there was a shower right outside the NICU- thats good planning :)

Agkirsch said...

or ... just walk up the steps!!

Christy H said...

If people would just read the signs that are posted ALL over Duke about wearing a mask if you are sick, then there would be no problem. I heard that in some places (maybe Japan), people are so respectful when they are sick that they wear a mask everywhere they go so they won't contaminate others. If only we could do that here.
I hope that you stay healthy Nate, so that you can continue being around your girls. It sounds like you have the elevator thing down pat!!!!!!!

daralala said...

applepiemom's comment for the win!

Darby Stickler said...

Nathan, Usually I just stalk but when I saw this today I couldn't help but think of you... you could just invite this pug over and she could lick all the flu germs away!!
http://www.theglobalbible.com/temp/screenclean.swf

Mo said...

OK, I know the contest is over but just wondering if anyone voted for "The Rose" by Bette Midler. The best part about the song is the very last line that talks about the seed in the winter "with the sun's love becomes the rose..."

I think that's so beautiful and fitting seeing that your "rose" started to bloom in the Winter.

Paige said...

You are a hoot!

I have teacher friends who Lysol their clothing after work. :)

Patty said...

ROFLOL!!! That made my day!

Mo said...

Meant to ask...do you have a catheter so you don't have to use the hospital bathrooms ;)))

read2kds said...

SO funny...I am a teacher and lately with the way the flu has been, I HAVE held my breath at times. One day in particular I walked past our health room to see 3 (!) children being violently ill and several more looking pale and feverish. Our poor nurse looked like she WISHED she was dead. I got away from there quick and sanitized all the way to my elbows. Good to keep your sense of humor!

Amy

Tracie said...

So, that's what I've been doing wrong! But, with a three-year old and working in an open office environment with people who have kids, you develop an immunity to the flu, which is good if you can't have the flu shot!
Thank you for making me smile!

Tracie,
Ottawa, Canada

Twinmommy2boys said...

Too funny! Love it and so true nasty little germies.

Kim said...

Lol... these are great tips, I think I will use these!!!! :)

Saralyn said...

We had a great idea for keeping the wee-beasties off the kid-os this year but their heads kept jamming the seal-a-meal. Next year we're trying space bags.

Shana said...

Ha! So hilarious! I am seriously LOL at this. :-)

nanajobx said...

i think maybe you should consider the stairs....

melissam2 said...

You should make a list of how to avoid contracting influenza @ your chosen house of worship (ie finding entrances where they don't have greeters who have just shaken 1,000 germy hands)

Actually, you should make a book of lists for all locations on this very topic!!

Lesley said...

Nate,
My twelve y/o daughter would totally agree with everything you said. She is paranoid about germs. Open's the public bathroom doors with her butt or her elbows so she doesn't have to touch them, etc.
You make me laugh. I'm sure your sense of humor is part of the reason Trisha is doing so well. You'll probably have the wittiest toddler around in a couple of years! ;-)
Blessings,
Lesley

Latisha said...

Thank you for the tips on how not to get the flu. If you have time you should check out this video. this isn't for your song contest I just think the first few lines of this song will really touch/speak to you
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qgZftrobqlg
its Butterfly kisses by Bob Carlisle

David and Angela Estes said...

Crack me up :) haha! Pretty darn witty!

Jolanda said...

Haha, sounds like a good movie theme for Mission Impossible...

I have a really bad day ahead in the hospital, but this really made me laugh... thanks Nate!

Jessica said...

Just an idea...but you could always make a sign with Tricia's floor on one side and Gwyneth's on the other so you don't have to breath to ask someone to push the button for you!! :-)

Stephanie said...

I think you should go for the mask idea and since you are always in the hospital, go for some scrubs too! Everyone would think you were a doctor and would stay out of your way if you were rushing around. Do the shoe covers too!

I think you also need a fanny pack full of disposable gloves. You can stop to put them on whenever you have to open a door or push a button or even when someone hands you a pen to sign something. Tell them to hold on, put your gloves on and enjoy the look on their face!

You have an awesome sense of humor, I believe it is one of the best qualities to have, especially in stressful, trying times!

The VW's said...

I posted a comment on this already, but when I told my husband about it he said that riding in the elevator with children might be a good thing for you because then you wouldn't have to push the buttons. Children LOVE pushing the elevator buttons! Our boys get into fist fights just trying to get to the button first!

em said...

ROTFLMAO! you joke, but i seriously might go this far to avoid catching something again.

-em smoyer

beachbug said...

Excellent tips!

Thanks for sharing

jenn said...

so funny!

Jacquelyn said...

All excellent advice. For those visiting loved ones on low enough floors, taking the stairs will keep you safe from the elevator germs AND give you some free exercise :)

Brandon and Mandy said...

I think you should also arm yourself with a bottle of Windex. It worked wonders for the dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" :)

Monica said...

Or take the stairs. Nobody walks up stairs anymore... so they are practically sterile! :-)

Kay said...

Thanks, Nate! Even though I rarely ride on elevators here in the OBX, I will for sure use your tricks while working at the preschool next week! Ha, ha, ha, ha... Too funny.

Kay

Donita said...

HILARIOUS!!!!! but so true. I bopped on over here from Mckmama's page, to read this........you are a hoot. LOVE IT!!!!