Thursday, January 1, 2009

Incoherent

Life is mysterious and miraculous.

I've caught myself today, as I have been doing often recently, recalling things that were taking place in my life exactly 1 year ago, and today was especially poignant. January 1, 2008 was the most emotional day of my life up to that point.

I didn't write much about my thoughts and emotions of that day, but as our friends and family (and many around the world) gathered by Tricia's bedside to pray for her and the baby, just seven days from Gwyneth's birth, I allowed myself to release a lot of pent-up emotions. Today, I could feel a lot of those emotions again.

A year ago today, I really had no idea what life was going to look like over the next 24 hours, much less the next 7 days. And, if you had asked me to be honest, I probably would have told you that I wasn't very hopeful for the future. As far as I could see, my wife was dying and my daughter was only a dream.

Life is both mysterious and miraculous, and most certainly impossible to predict.

I lay awake last night, as I often do, watching Tricia breathe. I remembered laying awake a year ago, in hotels and hospitals, watching Tricia breathe, incredulous that anyone could survive a few minutes of sleep breathing as she was, literally the shallowest of breath every second, much less an entire night. I remembered watching her entire body tense and relax, tense and relax with each breath.

I woke up this morning after a deep night of uninterrupted dreams to the sound of Gwyneth's coos from her crib. I remembered waking up many times during the night every night a year ago, and, even with the lights on, having to place my hand on Tricia's chest just to be certain that she was still breathing. I remembered waking up each morning, immediately reaching over to feel the warmth of her body.

Normally I'm the one up with Gwyneth in the morning, allowing Tricia the extra sleep she needs and enjoying some time alone with my White Rose before the business of the day begins. But, today, I lay in bed for a few more minutes of sleep as Tricia happily got up and fed Gwyneth breakfast before she brought Gwyneth into our room to wake me up with a slobbery face, toothless smile and a strong headbutt to the nose.

Oh, how things have changed. 1.1.08 was a turning point for me. I believe it was a turning point for Tricia and Gwyneth as well. 1.1.08 was the day that thousands began to learn of our journey, as the handful of those reading our blog up to that point began to spread the word and ask for prayer. Simply amazing.

Life is mysterious and miraculous.

I don't know if anything I've just written makes any sense, but I needed to get some thoughts and things out of my head and onto "paper" before going to bed, so forgive me if this post is incoherent.

Nate

BTW, read my dad's blog for a glimpse into his thoughts about 1.1.08 a year later.

65 comments:

René S said...

My mom was in a near fatal and certainly life changing car accident (not her fault) on 1-2-08, so although we are in very different situations, this post wrang very true for me as well. A year ago tonight, I was getting kids ready to return to school tomorrow and to celebrate my daughter's 6th birthday. A little before 10am, I had a call from home and had to leave for GA. I missed celebrating with my daughter and didn't think Mom would be alive -- at least not in any recognizable shape today. A year later, I'm running around getting ready for a 7th birthday party, but the emotions of last year are very close. I guess those pivotal moments in life just need to be remembered. Thank you for sharing your story. I have learned so much and so appreciated the way you have opened your lives to strangers. I'm so sorry you ever have negative comments. It just amazes me! Happy 2009!

Jamie said...

What a beautiful post. It's crazy how life can be so different in just a years time.

René S said...

Oops, I forgot to mention that while Mom is not the person she was a year ago, God has been so faithful. She is with us, walking, talking, loving us, seeing God's grace in her life and continuing to strive toward full recovery.

MamaBear said...

This post was anything but incoherent Nate!

Thank you for allowing us to share the miracles in your life. Your family's testimony has touched so many around the world.

Bev J. said...

My first thought on reading this post was "Praise God from whom all blessings flow!" He is GOOD ALL THE TIME. He is there for the unknown of our tomorrows! Your blog is a special blessing in my life. It is also great to realize what an amazing family of God is out there, ready to pray and to encourage. Technology is connecting us as never before and that is wonderful.
Thanks for sharing from your heart Nate. You are a special young man and I pray that God will continue to work miracles for your family in 2009. ~ Bev, a pastor's wife in Surrey, BC CANADA

Michelle said...

It has been a blessing to follow your family during this year of 2008. Praying many new blessings on you as you move into your new home. God has continued to show his miracles through your family! Each time I see the precious faces of your girls, I am reminded of how fragile life is! Thank you for allowing us to read about your journey!

Ginger said...

It makes perfect sense to me and to anyone of your incredible blog readers. My family is still praying for your family.

Emily said...

Beautiful. So much more than coherent. Grateful. Inspirational. Hope. Awe inspiring.

Kelley said...

No, certainly not incoherent at all! I am so glad that you've had the blessings that you've had over the course of the past year. No matter how hard things have been, you have kept your faith and seen the bright side of things. The fact that you appreciate each moment with your family just makes each moment that much more special. God bless! May 2009 be the best year yet!

sonja said...

I'm so glad you have shared so much the past year...it is amazing to me how people I don't know can affect my life so much. Thank you for your testimony--it certainly has changed the way I think about life. I'm sure so many have seen God for the first time through your story.

mi said...

This is absolutely beautiful. Happy New Year to you and your beautiful family.

Kate said...

You're right; life is mysterious and miraculous. God is amazing that way. Thank you for sharing your journey over the last year. May 2009 be a great year for your beautiful family!

Me and my Gurl said...

Nate, never apologize for putting your thoughts on paper. For those thoughts are the thoughts that God has given you and HE alone has charged you to share those specific thoughts and feelings. Someone, you may never know who, needs to hear those words. To be encouraged about "their" future. Someone needs to be encouraged that there is a "God" who is so loving and caring and so faithful to us, the undeserving sinners that we are. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you and your family in 2009.

PS Little Gwynth has her first tooth Yeah! Isn't life fun with little angels from heaven?

Rachael said...

An amazing post that makes perfect sense. So very happy for you and your family.

Love
Rachaelx

BrunetteKoala said...

Not incoherent, it makes so much sense.

I really have followed your blog this year completely in awe of God and of you, Tricia, your family, your extended church family...totally inspired by your faith and your sacrificial love for one another.

This year has been a challenging one for me also but in totally different ways (I think 2008 has been the first year without medical drama, but plenty of family drama to make up for it).

Thank you for all being so open and willing to share so much of yourselves with us.

Nana2four said...

Nate,

The story of your sweet family is truly one of so many miracles. Sharing your thoughts from those days with us is like a reminder to all of us to keep praying, keep rejoicing, and to keep thanking God for all He has done for us!

Thank you Nate for allowing us to be a part of your journey!

Susan

Destini said...

God is good...I am always shocked and amazed by people who seriously don't believe God performs miracles anymore. They are all around you. Praying that your 09 is full of love and blessing.

HappyFLMom said...

It's been an honor to pray for you and your family and to spread the word about your blog to ask for more prayer.

Happy 2009!

Heidi Reed
www.candidchatter.wordpress.com

Laurie in Ca. said...

Every single word here makes perfect sense Nate. Walking with you through this time last year was a faith growing time for me in my own life. I was blessed to be "walking in a miracle" moment by moment with you guys, praying my heart and guts out. I really learned the meaning of HOPE and GRACE. And I am praising God for where the three of you are today, simply a miracle that I have witnessed here. And I know there is more to come in your journey that has just begun. What a joy to walk this road beside you. I just love miracles and I love you guys.
I continue to pray for you and for Trish's health to be strong.

Love and New Year Hugs, Laurie

Tracy P. said...

That is beautiful. It is so encouraging to see how far you've come, and how many have been comforted through the hope they've found here. God is so good! Thanks for enduring the headaches of going public to share His faithfulness!

Aspiemom said...

I'm praising God for how things have turned out for you three! (Your post made sense!)
Love you guys.

Emily said...

Nate,
I have followed your blog since shortly after Gwyneth was born. I found you through someone else's blog that I found through Poppy Joy's blog! It's amazing to me. I have prayed for you all, & cried with you all & experienced joy with you all, as if we were close friends. You & your beautiful wife & adorable daughter have been an inspiration to me over the past year. I believe God let me find your family because I needed to see Him work. I am in awe of our Father that has done the miracles in your lives & I am thankful everyday for the gifts that He has given all of us! I can only imagine what this year has been like for all of you. I feel so honored that I have been able to witness it through your writing! I pray that 2009 is the most incredible year for your family, beyond your wildest dreams!!!
Emily in Mississippi

wherever HE leads we'll go said...

Beautiful post. God is absolutely amazing! He is at work in good times and bad. What a blessing to be able to see His hand in all things - I cannot imagine a life left to "chance" (as some believe).

Sarah said...

Not incoherent, beautiful and touching and a wonderful testament to you, your family and faith. Thank you, as always, for sharing.

Carol said...

Wish I could properly convey how happy I am for you and T and G that you are at this point in your lives and able to make this reflection. I have no doubt you will all enjoy and celebrate each and every day of the coming year.

hoosier homemaker said...

Thank you for taking us along on the journey. You have been on my prayer list since I found your blog - shortly after Gwyneth's birth.

Faithe said...

Incoherent...nothing. It is absolutely riveting!! I was reading through my tears as I recalled your journey. I've followed it for nearly 9 months now. (I missed those early days.) It is incredible how you've shared your lives with us to the point I almost feel like you are personal friends of ours, even though we've never met. We pray that the Lord will continue the work He has begun in you and will pour out blessings in 2009, above and beyond that which we ask or think.

Hopesrising said...

Nate...so far from incoherent. Some how I believe God has our lives mapped out for us. When I first found your blog it was early on and I just read and prayed silently for some time.Then I just was so taken back by the enormous situation your family was facing. I often think only God and through His amazing grace do we get through a year such as yours was last year.
As I read today I thought to *God is good and good all the time!* He never leaves us specially when we believe so deeply in His power. I am in awe of Him.
What I hear in this post is your gratefulness and hope for the future..That is such a blessing to hear through your words.
Your right life is both mysterious and miraculous. And oh such a sweet blessing.
Thanks so much for sharing this today. I woke up feeling so incredibly blessed this morning as well.
In life we always end up where God leads us. I ended up here early one morning and I left caring about you and your Girls. I will always consider myself very blessed for that.Its been my privilege to pray for your family as well.
Wishing you blessings in 2009.

Tammy C said...

Unbelivable!

It is so amazing to see how much has changed for you all in the past year.

Have you been in contact with the newsreporter who followed your story last year.She would be amazed to see your girls.

Have fun in 2009 as I can see more teeth,a walking toddler and a talking toddler.

Joyful said...

Not incoherent at all....INCREDIBLE!

Thanks for sharing your life here so that we again can see evidence and give testimony to our GREAT GOD!!

Blessings,
Joy

Tricia Moran said...

I understand why you are reliving emotions. But we are so happy that your two miracles are waking up with you today and every day. You are blessed and we hold you in our hearts and prayers as a family. Your story has given me personally more strength than you will ever know in a very difficult personal situation this year. May you have many, many more memories together. Hugs to Tricia and Gwyneth! :)
Tricia and Clan

The Curtis Crew said...

Your story has changed many others as well. Thank you for continuing to blog and to share your thoughts and emotions. Have you considered creating a button that bloggers can put on their blog to link to yours? I'd love to add one to my blog.

I pray that 2009 is full of more miracles and blessings beyond imagination for your family. You are an inspiration to many!

Sue G said...

Incoherent? Hardly. Deep, profound love always makes sense--words or no words. May the coming year exceed your expectations, and may this year bring more love, more laughter, and more healing to your family. The best is yet to come!

Sue G
www.caringbridge.org/visit/sueguenther

Paulette said...

This was beautiful and you do need to voice it, because it is a huge part of who you are. I was right there with you last year reading and praying and I am so thankful you are all a family today.
I love your faith and your blog, it brings encouragement, hope and Faith to so many.
May ya'll have an awesome New Year together!

Kellee Flatt said...

Reading you and your dad's account of 1.1.08 is an incredible reminder of God's grace. As I saw here reading both, I reflected on my own journey. Thankful that I came across your blog. God has used you to challenge me in so many ways in my faith. I love what your dad said "life is to be lived every moment." And that is so true. So many times we get incredibly ungrateful for what we have... even little things. Thank you for sharing so candidly your experiences.

Christy said...

What a beautiful post Nate!

Mel said...

To have watched your story unfold over the last year envokes lots of thoughts and emotions in me...I have always been blessed by your story.

Sarah Joy said...

It was this time last year that I found your blog and committed to praying for you and with you, like so many others. It has been amazing to see what God has done in the three of you and who he has used... he works in mysterious ways. Your words in this post made perfect sense... I pray that this next year if full of even more grace, mercy form above and blessing beyond what you could ever dream of. I also pray that you make wonderful memories in your new home. May it be a placce of refuge and safety, a dwelling place that people would be drawn to becaue it brings something different to your street. I know that God will continue to use you to impact peoples lives; you certainly have impacted mine and strengthened my faith. God bless you, Tricia and your little beautifully blooming Rose.

Rachel said...

I think your story is amazing and Trisha and Gweneth ar both nothing but MIRACLES!!!!!! You are one lucky man!

God is King!!!

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us once again, Nate! What a beautiful post - one that calls us all to thank God for his amazing graces and blessings in our lives!

I thought of you when I read this blog post, a New Year's reflection. It goes very nicely with what you said. It's short, but good.
http://patentsgirl.blogspot.com/2009/01/new-years-day-meditation.html

God Bless you and your miraculous family, and may 09 continue to draw you closer to our Lord in both trials and joys!

Jane-Jane said...

Makes total since to me. I so remember pleading with God since Dec 4th of '07. In my prayers, I confessed that I couldn't see how both your girls would make it through all this; but pleaded with God to please keep them both safe for HIS glory.

Your family has been a spoke in my life wheel that has proven to me that no matter how hopeless our human lives think 'it' is, there is ALWAYS hope through God's plan.

Yes, life is awesome, but the hope we have in eternal life is sooooo much better.

Cheryl said...

Not incoherent at all, Nathan. Very well written, in fact.

I shared your story with a patient (I was her nurse) yesterday who is in early pregnancy after many years of trying to conceive. She has been struggling with some medical problems prior to the pregnancy. Her story reminded me of yours; I pray your story gives her some hope and encouragement.

Thanks for touching the lives of even those you'll never meet (on this side).

Our Little Family said...

I have goosebumps, tears and other than that....speechless. I pray 2009 brings more healing, more joy, more laughter and certainly more love. God Bless you!

Blessings From Above said...

It really has been an amazing year. God is GOOD!

Happy New Year!

grey like snuffie said...

These are the altar moments that we need written down so that when life happens we can read and remember that WE JUST CAN NOT IMAGINE what God can or will do. Rejoicing with you all!

Marianne said...

Nate your post makes perfect sense and it at times like you have experienced that we all realize that it is all so much bigger than us. You were chosen to be part of two large miracles with many little miracles along the way. In turn you have chosen to share your miracles with us and we have all grown from the experience. Weclome to 2009 my friend, although 2008 is over it will never been forgotten.

jerilynn said...

What a difference a year makes. Such amazing perspective on God's grace and too many miracles to count. I often doubt that miracles happen in this age. Reading your blog shows me how very wrong I am. We have an AWESOME God!

Kelly said...

Totally coherent, IMO! Makes perfect sense, and beautifully conveys your 2008.

Kathryn said...

Miraculous and inspiring!!!! I have been following you, Tricia and Gwyneth's journey this past year and I am in awe of Gods work through you. My faith has been strengthened and your lives have inspired me in ways that you will never know. I am truly happy for you that you get to have this wonderful family and enjoy being a husband and a father, God bless you all!!!!!!!!!

Melissa :) said...

Beautiful! My most recent baby's middle name is Faith. And you just wrote why. :)

Kellita said...

It's interesting, I went back a couple days ago and read all your posts from last January (I was thinking it was coming up on Gwenyth's 1st birthday). It's so cool to see how far you guys have come from that moment, and especially to contrast Tricia's pictures from then with now. She looked so sick back then, and so healthy now! It's really cool to see. Thanks for sharing your testimony and being a great witness.

Brenda said...

What a blessing it has been to follow your family this past year. Your ups and downs have become mine. Your tears and smiles have touched my heart in ways I could never explain. My trials of 08 seem like nothing compared to you guys, and I thank God that He reminds me that if I look around, He is there all the time. Your family has been such a blessing to me this past year, more than you'll ever know. God bless you and can't wait to see what 2009 brings. Baby girl is getting so big, and to think she will be one in a few days!!!

Anne said...

This is your best post! You should write this candidly more often.

Anne said...

This is your best post! Please write this candidly more often.

Jo-Ann said...

I don't remember how I came to your site but I follow along especially since my daughter gave birth to a 1 lb 9 oz baby girl at 25 weeks (born Sept. 29, 2008) and we compare her progress to Gwyneth Rose and it's so similar it's amazing. Ruby Cosette just came home today! We are praising God. God bless you and your girls!

rita from georgia said...

i don't remember how i came across your blog, but it has certainly been an inspiration to me. your dads devotionals are also spirit lifting. at the time i came across your blog my husband was battling colon cancer, WE ARE CANCER FREE PRAISE GO. you inspired me to keep going. if i never get the chance to see you here in our earthly body i will be there when God says, "Well done, you have fought a faithful fight"
we both dont know what we face but with god nothing is impossible. i live in ga i am homebound with RA and my husband has overcome the colon cancer, god is the sweetest when we are in the valley and you have shown me that. rita

Michelle M. said...

Your post brought back such vivid memories for me when my son was in the NICU and after we brought him home. I would just watch him breathe and feel the warm air blowing through his nose. I can't imagine how that would feel if it were my spouse...

Thank you for sharing this. Your story is so inspirational to everyone. Keep it up!

Momof2bz said...

It is so nice to hear this in your words. (BTW, it made total sense and it was beautiful) 2008 was a year of huge change for you all. I hope and pray that 2009 is a year of huge celebrations.

Q's NEWS said...

I actually cant remember how I found your blog. My guess is that I was at someone else's blog and that they had linked your blog to theirs and asked for prayer. Needless to say, I was hooked immediately and rush to check everyday to see what is going on in the CF Husband's world. It is amazing how much things can change in one year! I am so glad it is now and not then for you!!

How's the move coming along?

Happy New Year,
Susan

Open your Eyes. said...

I have to say I was moved by what you just wrote! x.

Alicia said...

Coherent

Scott said...

I get what you said, and remember following each entry of the blog during those crucial days. I just told Gayle, amazing the difference a year makes referring to your lives! We are still praying and trust this year will be one of your all time best!

oneagleswings said...

I some ways I wish I didn't understand your post. I too have stayed awake watching my husband breathe - pre and post transplant. Again each night as I go to bed, I watch to see if he is still breathing. As I turn over in the night, I wake just enough to listen and watch. CF is brutal, lung transplant is brutal, life is brutal; the Lord is always good, full of Grace, Mercy and Miracles. We can't go through this experience without seeing that God is in control. We are the strings on His finely tuned instrument that He uses to bring about His Will in our lives and the lives of those who watch. The song is perfect as His Will is perfect. We often break, but He is faithful.

You were far from incoherant; no you were perfectly clear; I not only understood, My soul felt every word. The hotels, the clinics, the hospital, the ER in the middle of the night, the seemingly endless nights in the green recliners (oh my poor shoulder).

Each day is a miracle...each breath a gift. May the Lord keep you all in the center of His Will and surround you with peace that surpasses all understanding.

leannenannette said...

Wonderful post. It definitely made sense and I was blessed by it and your dad's entry.

Michelle Jamie said...

I just read this post after the one you posted about the anniversary. How ironic some of my thoughts!