Mondays are good for Recycling! This was originally posted on 1.31.08.
(A Friendly Warning: This post may be slightly PG-13 rated due to some of the things I talk about...just a heads up, especially for parents who let their kids read the blog)
Lately, with the blog, I've been becoming slightly self-conscious. Reading the comments and emails and cards and notes is such an encouragement, but it feels as if I'm being unjustly placed on a pedestal (in other words, many of you seem to think I'm all that and a bunch of raisins, which I'm not), and I'm scared that one day (knowing me, probably someday soon), I'm going to show my true colors and disappoint a lot of people. I'd much prefer to do something preemptive to help lower myself down a little...I am afraid of heights.
So, for the sake of honesty and transparency, let me share a few things about myself.
1) I'm pretty sure that being a great dad is going to be a whole lot harder when the NICU nurses are no longer her primary caregivers. I don't think I really need to say much more...see #3 for some more insight into this one.
2) I envy those people who's faith is most evident in the good times. I totally stink when it comes to having an awesome relationship with God in the good times. I keep asking myself why it takes something like my present situation to really make me believe that God really is who He says he is. I "seem" to do a pretty good job on my own most of the time...it seems to me that it's often a lot easier to trust God when you've nothing left to lose than to trust Him when things are going well. I tend to take the easy road...
3) I am a much better husband when Tricia is in the hospital than when Tricia is at home. I'm lazy, selfish, procrastinatory (yes, that is a word), and stubborn, especially around Tricia. I do a great job of showing off the best of me when I'm around most other people, but trust me, I'm no saint when it comes to my marriage, and Tricia would be the first to tell you that (although she probably never would tell you just 'cause she's so stinkin' nice).
4) I'm a much better and more prolific writer than I am a talker. I don't talk much (my mom loves to call me "a brick wall"). The only time I really talk a lot is when I'm placed in a leadership role with a group of people. Most other times, I do a lot more listening than talking. And when I do talk, I usually don't have too many brilliant things to say...and, even when I do, I usually don't say it well. For some reason, I feel much more comfortable writing than I do talking.
5) I have never donated blood. I'm very scared of needles that are pointed toward me.
6) This blog has done more for me than is has for anybody else. God knew what He was doing when He put the desire in my heart to journal this journey. I thought it would be a good way to keep our friends and family informed and to help others who may take a similar journey after us. Little did I know that God was going to show our story to thousands of people...and little did I know that He was going to use this blog to change my future in the way He has.
You see, back in the summer, around the same time that Tricia was being evaluated for the double lung transplant, I was being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. For several years, I've dealt with feelings and thoughts that have confused and frustrated me. I think and feel and act in ways that I know are not the way I've been called to be as one who lives for and in Christ.
For the past few years, and especially the past several months, I've had thoughts of what my life might be like if Tricia died so young. It's not so much that this kind of thinking is bad...it was the possibilities that came into my mind that seemed to be attractive that really scared me. I wondered if I would secretly run away with our dog and cat and try to start a new life somewhere...or, maybe I would be so numb that I'd sit at home until I either died or was placed in a mental institution...or, maybe I'd be so distraught that I'd hurt myself, or worse...
Up until a few months ago, I just couldn't imagine dealing with the grief in a "healthy" way, continuing with my faith in God, living a productive life without Tricia. The alternatives just seemed a whole lot easier, on several different levels. And, I've been very scared to talk with anyone about this.
But, through watching (with the rest of you) with incredible awe and humility the ways that God has been using Tricia and Gwyneth to change so many hearts and lives, He has also been changing me. God deserves all of the credit for anything good that has come out of our story, and I am just floored that He is using me to tell it.
I'll be honest, most of the faith-focused stuff that I've been writing on this blog has been more about me having an outlet to put on "paper" the things that I really need to read and hear to believe are true. Do I totally believe what I mean when I say that I'm trusting God with the lives of my two girls? Of course not! But, thinking it in my head and heart, writing it on this blog for thousands to see, and witnessing the response from you has brought me so much closer to that total faith and trust than I have ever been. When I post things that seem to come from a person of great faith, realize that they're actually being posted for a person with little faith.
I think what I'm trying to say is, if faith is always as easy as placing all of our trust in something/Someone all the time, then I'm not really sure that is real faith at all. I sit in chairs all the time (going back to that lazy thing), and I can't remember the last time a chair decided it wasn't going to hold me (although with all of this hospital and fast food, I'm becoming more suspicious)...but I don't think that my faith in those chairs is really anything to write home about.
If my faith in God is never tested, if my trust that He is always there and always wanting the best for me is always 100%, God might as well be a piece of furniture. And, up until just recently, maybe that's exactly what my thoughts, words and actions were showing about my God...
As I've mentioned a few times, it's not so much that I have incredible faith...it's more that I have an incredible God Who has chosen to put me in an incredible situation that only gave me two choices: rely on my own will and strength and stamina, or increase my trust in God. Knowing my own limitations, the choice was pretty simple.
When I am at my weakest, He makes His strength most evident.
God is using your stories and comments and emails to give me hope for my own life. I know I've said it many times, but I'm believing more and more that, after this part of our journey is over, God will still be Who He is, no matter the outcome.
Thank you for helping me. This post wasn't as clearly written as I had hoped (and I've been wanting to write this for a long time now), but hopefully I've brought my pedestal down at least a little...
Nate
259 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1 – 200 of 259 Newer› Newest»So you ARE human! :)
I completely understand the sentiment. I want to trust God completely; I know I'm supposed to trust God completely; I know he is worthy of my trusting him completely; I know he has only good plans for me and wouldn't use my complete trust against me (in my HEAD) but try telling that to my heart sometimes. I am learning from watching and listening to you! Still praying...The Dodges
Praying for you and "your girls". Thank you for your honesty, for that I am grateful. May God continue to comfort you and your family during this season in your lives.
Warmly, Angela
Nate,
Thanks for being transparent and letting God use your story to encourage my own faith. Humility is a beautiful thing:)
Love you guys,
Cousin Jenn
It may not have been written as you originally thought it should, but it is perfect because it is genuine (of course, we don't know you, but your thought and words are full of just what God made us-human--with joy, trust, mistrust, faith........). And your journal of your journey will lift up many many people who read, and hopefully yourself as well. We continue to pray here in south Jersey! Hope you have a great day!!
Bethann
faithfamileefun@comcast.net
you are not feeling anything the rest of us don't feel, too. i can write some things on my blogs that sound really "spiritual" and i wonder "where did that come from?" and then it's like God asks "yes, but do you BELIEVE the things you have written? do you LIVE OUT the things you have written?" faith seems to be a moment by moment choice i make to trust God. thanks be to God for His faithfulness despite our weakness...Ps 103:14 - For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust
A quote taken from my favorite vegetable Larry Boy :) "He who exalts himself will be humbled and he who humbles himself will be exhausted..." He has the words a little mixed up...I know you must get weary in your battles. I think the important thing to remember is you are still humbled, you are still teachable and learning how to be a better husband and father. God is still trying to fashion you into Christ's likeness. You can admit your failures and mistakes. It is when we become unteachable and exalt ourselves and receive our immediate praise from men that we have a problem. That is the time for self-examination. Sometimes I feel like "we" collectively as the adoring public are a lot like the Israelites fashioning their golden calf while Moses was up on the mountain with God. We want so badly to see and experience God in a mighty way that we tend to exalt men to dangerous heights only leaving them with the chance of a greater fall. I am thankful that this journal is filling you with hope and encouragement. I am also thankful that as you read these comments you are able to stay humbled and grounded. I pray continually for your strength and your faithfullness to God to sustain you, as well as the health and strength of your girls. Fill your head and your heart with the good things of God...His word...daily. He will continue to guide your path! stay strong and encouraged brother!
I, for one, do appreciate your honesty. Not many men will admit to the things you just did. I really do relate in so many ways with the whole trusting God issue. It's a whole lot different when that trust is put to the test than when it's smooth sailing. I also struggle with becoming apathetic when things are going well. I don't pray as I should when life is calm.
It's encouraging to see it in print that someone else has the same struggles and opens their heart to the whole internet world, so, in an odd sort of way, maybe you are higher than ever on your pedestal :-)
My english lit professor said this in class the other day. She might be about a hundred years old, but she's the wisest person I know. "I was born into a Christian family and God had planted his seed in my before I was born. I was never blessed with the opportunity of doubt or struggle to strengthen my faith."
Well, Nate, I think the 400 or so comments that will follow will show you that you are not alone. That took a lot of, um, well - you know - to post. Who hasn't struggled with apathy in the good times? Who hasn't wrestled with doubt in the bad times?
I was re-reading an old Bible Study (beth moore of course!) last night and she was talking about how sometimes there is a "no" now so there can be a "greater yes" later. It seems like the greater yes's just keep on coming for you all, and in that, He is being glorified every step of the way.
Be blessed today.
I second the first comment. :)
I thought your post was well-thought-out (was that too many hyphens just now? I'm not sure).
In any case, I think that regardless of whether you are way up high on a pedestal, or just down here with the rest of us poor schlepps, you give us good food for thought and remind us of some things we all need to be reminded of now and then.
And you also give us the opportunity to pray for you and your family, which is a blessing in itself.
By the way, I hate needles too, which makes fertility treatments vveeeerrrryyyy interesting. Also, my blood does not flow very well and it takes MANY minutes to get one little vial. I genuinely believe it would take 1/2 hour to get a pint, and by that point I would be passed out on the floor. God bless the people who donate.
hey you dont need to explain your self to anyone, we choose to read the things here. the people that have a problem with this blog should just stop reading, you just keep on keeping on. you are a great dad and a great husband with a lot going on. thanks for allowing us a glimpse into your world. i along with many others am crazy about that little baby of yours and cant wait til her and her mommy can be together!!
Thank you for your honesty. Your truthfulness has shown God's face more than you will ever know. Keep the faith and the rest always falls into place (even if God's plan isn't our plan)
God is in control -- it is obvious that his plan to increase your faith is working... We are so blessed to have the privelege of being able to lift you and your girls up in prayer and to receive constant updates. My admiration for you isn't because of your "perfect faith and trust in God" -- it is for your love that you have for your girls and for your diligence in keeping us all updated. We are still praying :) I hope today is a great one for the three of you.
We love you just the way you are. You're genuine and that's what we all love.
All my best. -Jenny
Nathan, Again, thank you for sharing. I do not have you on a pedastal, just proud of you. But I know it comes from God, after all you are my nephew!!! This world makes us think depression is a bad thing, but it isn't. Sometimes comes from chemical imbalance, sometimes due to situations, circumstances. Our world also tries to make so tough, you have shown this is not always the case. you are human, a born again human. love you. Give Tricia a kiss for me.
Someone has said that we don't learn anything when we're talking, only when we're listening. People who talk a lot irritate people like me. On the other hand, there is such a thing as stuffing our thoughts and feelings to the point where we don't relate to people. I don't think that's you! Hang onto all of this written stuff -- one day you may write a book, who knows?
I will admit I've been a blog "stalker" up until today--this is the first comment I've made. I came to your site through some other blogs I read. Anyway, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for so eloquently sharing your doubts, fears, and faith through this most recent post. (Not trying to elevate you by saying that.... :) You just put it well. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into your journey, and I will continue to pray for your family.
Well said...definitely well said.
Nate - Thanks for sharing. What is really great is that God uses flawed people like me and you to demonstrate His faithfulness, love, power and strength. If we were so great on our own, who needs God? His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Amen!
A missionary from HHBC once shared in SS class how he felt when he left his daughter in the hospital overnight. As he walked down the hall to leave, because he had to, he could hear his daughter crying out for him that she didn't want to be there. This missionary father knew it was best for his daughter to stay there. This missionary shared that he realized it was like God needing to let us go through things that that we didn't want to go through. But it was the best for us.
OFTEN WHEN I'M DISCOURAGED...I think of that example and know that God loves me even though He has to let me go through some hard things.
Bless you for your honesty and openness. We all struggle with things in one way or another but the mighty power of prayer is what get's us ALL through- we are ALL HUMAN and have our flaws- and we thank you for being so transparent with us so many times and so honest with us. May all of our faith be strengthened! We all fall short of His glory- but that's why there is GRACE! Praise God!!!!!
Thank you so much for continuing to be human Nate. It IS in these situations that God shows His stuff and our weaknesses. We all need to walk our talk and your honesty is amazing and truthful. Perhaps we are all helping each other in your journey, I know my faith has really been growing in how much I don't know about our God and His greatness. I for one, do not hold you up on a pedestal, I hold you up in prayer to the one who is in control of the miracle you are part of. Sometimes we need to hear ourselves confess out loud what we believe in order for it to really sink in. This is why I talk to myself all day long, and the Lord, so I can make sure we are on the same page. God is using your journey to turn our eyes to Him, each one of us who support you daily and hourly. You are doing okay in my book!!
Praying for your girls to continue healing and praying for you Nate, to have the privacy you need to hear God whisper to you. He loves you and so do I.
Laurie in Ca.
I think you are finding the faults in yourself that all of us have. Of course it's easier to be closer to God in the hard times because that's when we feel we need Him most. It's just reassuring to know that He is with us just as much any other time... we just fail to recognize it.
I've spent my life trying to please others, and you end up feeling like you have built yourself up so much with others that, when you do something small that they might be disappointed in, it undoes every good thing you've ever done. Please don't feel this way. As it's been stated many times, you are only human and you are bound and entitled to make mistakes.
Sorry if that sounded too preachy.
Nate,
For me- its not a pedistal you are placed on but a reminder of what really matters in life (our loved ones). One thing that your blog has done for me is that it reminds me that money being tight, the kids with a tummy virus, the husband (or wife) not fufilling their roll perfectly, being in a dry place spirtualy the list goes on and on.... None of that really matters because my husband and my cildren are healthy- they are not fighting for life. Hope this makes sence to you to say that you are not on a pedistal you are a person fighting for things most of us have every day and we take for granted. Its an opportunity to pray for your needs cause your family is loved deeply buy brothers and sisters in the Lord. I have never once pittied your situation just true heart felt pain for your struggles. You should feel the freedom to say and do what ever it is you need to. Dont feel like you owe anyone an explination. Keep on stepping your growing bigger in Him everyday.
Blessings dear Nate,
M Dovel
So, what you're saying is "you're NOT perfect"??? It's going to take alot more than that to convince this crowd of that! Just by admitting your faults makes you even more amazing! Yes, I am glad to see that you are not always perfect, but God has great plans for you and this journey is only the beginning. Oh, and by lazy, did you mean doing the dishes, taking Meka out and driving hundreds of miles back and forth to Durham, etc (I've been reading and watching videos from old posts)? In my book, that's not lazy! And, just like a mother healing from a c-section having to get up several times a night to soothe and feed a screaming newborn baby taking only a minute to swallow some Motrin, you will find that you love caring for that sweet Gwyneth at any moment without yearning selfishly for what life was like before her (or your armchair)! I look back to my marriage before kids and wonder what we did with all of our time!!! And you and Tricia will, too! I'm grateful for your ability to 'write' rather than 'talk' because otherwise I would not know one bit about you or your candid story! Thanks again for yet another thoughtful and inspiring post! Be careful, your plan might backfire and your pedestal might grow taller!
nate, your story has been my inspiration! i love your honesty. Like the first post says~you are ONLY human! you will do great being a father after Gwenyth comes home. you and tricia will be great parents and have extreme faith. god bless...how's Gwenyth doing?
you are a human and you can't be perfect. and everybody understands that :)
A life full of surrender to the great I AM often brings anxiety and depression -- b/c we have to be powerless for Him to be all powerful!! Not an easy lesson for us humans to learn. One I'm learning right along with you, Nathan (feel like I know you personally -- I'm close friends with Matt and Jenn Kirschner). Just one day at a time, one measure of faith at a time -- if faith were so easy, it wouldn't require "perfecting". Blessings and prayers to you and your girls in this journey that is touching so many hearts and lives for HIS glory!
Thank you so much for today's post. I believe this one has meant as much or more to me than any others. I too believe in showing "real" faith to others. We all have failures and are inadequate, if we didn't we wouldn't need a Saviour!
My husband also struggles with anxiety and depression and I so understand the thoughts and emotions that that can sometimes throw at you. We are praying for all of you...you won't believe the ways this blog is being used...so many different levels!
I always thought there was something not right about you (I'm sure you thought the same about me). In all seriousness, thank you for being authentic.
God love you, Nate.
About the depression/anxiety. As I mentioned yesterday, I was diagnosed with this in 2001, but I'd been suffering with it for MUCH longer than that.
You worry about your wife dying young. I worry about my husband dying when *I'm* young. My husband is 21 years older than I am. (I'll be 33 in March; my husband will be 54 in May.)
Marrying him was the smartest thing I ever did. And it sounds like you feel the same way about marrying Tricia. But we've been married just long enough now (almost 2 years) that I'm starting to realize how much it's going to stink (to put it mildly) when he gets old and dies on me.
And I worry about what happens between the time he "gets old" and "dies." Like you, I'm lazy and selfish. My husband waits on me hand and foot. I tell him that he'll get the "hand and foot" treatment when he gets old and I am caring for him.
But WILL I care for him as well as he cares for me? What if I'm too selfish to do right by him?
Life -- and death -- is scary, I tell you.
As always, you know how to find me, if you need anything.
Love to you, Tricia and Gwyneth.
Nate, I very much identify with you! It's so easy to just drift along & rely on yourself when the going's good but when a crisis comes up...we go running back to God. I know I do!
I thank you for your honesty & for sharing this aspect of your journey with us.
Praying you you all,
Alane
A friend of mine turned me onto your blog several weeks ago (before Gwyneth was born) and I have followed your truly amazing journey. As a wife and mother I have to tell you that Tricia and your beautiful daughter are so lucky to have you. You are only human but you have made me and hundreds of others want to be better people and live better lives. Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so honest and genuine. My family continues to pray for yours.
Your honesty is humbling and you undoubtedly love your wife with everything you have. Your last post leaves me with much respect to you and now am a devoted fan, I will be here reading your words and following your journey. Thank you.
Well, you just made me love you more. And the folks at this house already loved you - and your dear family - a lot. Thank you for your transparency. It'll preach : )
Nate:
In regards to points number 2....so many of us are like that having more faith in hard times. I want to tell you that coming accross your blog and reading your story has increased my walk with the Lord and has made me so thankful for the healthy family I have. We all need to not take God forgranted, however it is so easy to do...thankfully God still loves us.
Nate...thank you for being so transparent...as believer it is so challenging to stand in the face of those who would question our faith because we are sick or any of the other false assumptions associated with that!
My personal favorite these days is something that I just heard at a leadership retreat and that was because sickness does not exist in heaven it cannot exist here either..."whatever is loosed in heaven, shall be loosed on earth, whatever is bound in heaven shall be bound on earth." Now, while I agree that sickness should not be here, in a perfect world, the last time I checked, the only perfect world around us is Heaven.
Hmmm...on that same thought...money doesn't exist in heaven either...does that make it completely evil, too?
Anyway, enough rambling...
Continuing to pray for your beautiful family
Amy, Southern Ca.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/rosegirl
It is refreshing to hear someone talk so honestly about your struggles. Thank you for sharing.
I am sending a prayer up for you, your lovely wife, and sweet child right now.
Thank you for that!
It was something I needed to read because I have been questioning why I can't have a Faith like yours. But with your post I realized that I do.
Nathan,
Thanks once again for your honesty and courage in sharing your heart! Most other long-time Christians can totally relate to your comments about apathy and lack of faith in the smooth times. Most of us just aren't willing to admit to it. :)
I experienced similar feelings while journaling my experiences with my Mom's journey with cancer. Sometimes when I would reread what I had written I wondered where it had come from! And the writing definitely did more for me than for anyone who may have read my entries. Keep writing- it is definitely therapeutic, and God will use it to grow your faith in an amazing way! The awesome thing about your blog is that God has chosen to use it in a miraculous way for a world who needs to see Him.
Remember, God is not surprised by your response to this trial nor by your growth as a result of it. It is part of His PERFECT plan for you (and of course, part of the reason he chose YOU to be Tricia's husband in the first place.) Isn't it cool that He loves us, warts and all?!
I can't help but think of James 1:2-4 right now. Nathan, you're probably very familiar with this passage, but for the sake of those who may not be:
"Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
We continue to be amazed by all the ways God is working through your story. Thanks for allowing yourself to be transparent- that way, we can really see GOD shining through!
Continued love and prayers,
Laura (and family)
So glad to know you feel you can be honest with us (your readers and prayer partners). God is using the three of you as a witness. None of us are perfect but letting the "humanness" show through helps others to realize what God can do. Praying for you three and so glad Tricia is in a room. Sorry we didn't get to make contact yesterday at Duke but God has a perfect plan and I'll accept that. Ann
No, I don't think what you wanted to accomplish happened... Well maybe a little bit... We do know that you are human, and that you do have feelings, at least I know that. BUT your faith is stronger than you know!
Sorry to inform you of this!
You are just human, and speaking for myself, I wouldn't expect anything but that! In fact, I have had a very hard time with religion - my husband and I don't see eye to eye and it's hard for me to believe something that isn't tangible or a rock-hard scientific fact. By reading your blogs, I am believing a little more each day - so thanks! Thank you for sharing your life with us! I really appreciate the sincerity and truthfulness of it all!
I'm sure it was hard to write this post. It's always hard to admit our faults, especially when we can be so good at "hiding" them from others.
Being from a family with lots of depression issues, let me just say that it's good that you recognize that there is a problem. Now just make sure you follow through and get whatever help you need to control it. There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes.
Now we just have another specific thing to pray for!!
Praising God for your ability to write such a raw and beautiful post!
One of my favorite sayings---"my circumstances do not define who God is" The blog world is so strange--we "find" someone and can start to feel like we know them. Reality is that writing on a blog is an incomplete way to express what God is doing. It's so amazing to us and we want to share and encourage others and yet find its hard to put in words. And each of us read the same words and "hear" something different in our minds and spirits. What He is allowing will be for your good and His glory! Your journey as a caregiver will do AMAZING things to you.
Thank you again for your honesty. God is SO working through your family. By being so transparent and honest, HE is undoubtedly using you guys to bring people to Himself. I think many people fear or shy away from faith/God because they feel they are not "good" enough or have be this certain way or that before they will be "OK enough" to seek God/ be "worthy" of Him.
What we need though, is more honest people, like yourself, whom, through sharing their stories are a witness that God wants, accepts and downright loves us AS WE ARE! We are ALL WORTHY of Him and if we just come before Him in honesty, He can and WILL work in our lives.
"Perfect" people do not exist. Yet, I think we all think we know some "perfect" people, who "never struggle" and who "have it all together!" (I for one, am guilty of thinking that at times about people in my life!). The reality, however, is that WE ALL STRUGGLE! And, it is refreshing to see someone so openly share, b/c what happens is often like a ripple effect. Others will think "Hmmmm if he struggles with that, maybe I am OK after all" and start opening up and in time, maybe even allowing God in having seen His hand work in your life through a similar struggle.
Sorry to ramble on your site. I too, better express myself through writing (though I am not sure if the jumbled mess above is a good indicator of that!)
Bottom Line.... Thank you and Thank Tricia for being so willing to allow the Lord to work through you and to share with us what He is doing. God is changing lives... and using your family to do it.
Still Praying in NY..... Amy
Nate,
Your deep and sincere honesty about your feelings has moved me to tears. Not the first time your blog has moved me to tears (both happy and sad) as well as made me look inside myself. I deal with a chronic disease (not very gracefully) and I try to hide the fact that I am sick from people. I just wanted to thank you for sharing the courage our Lord is providing you with. Our family will continue to pray for yours and may the Lord continue to work miracles and blessings to your amazingly courageous wife and beautiful baby girl. God bless you Nathan. You may have no idea how your sharing your family's story has caused an increase in atleast our family's prayer life and our faith.
God uses flawed people like you and me to demonstrate His faithfulness, love, power and strength. If we were so great on our own, who needs God? His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Enough said
Nate,
Thank you for your transparency and for your steps of faith these past months. God is using you, through your struggles and growth, to reach others. We are praying for you, Tricia, and Gwyneth every day.
Reflection is a wonderful thing! We all have a "thorn" to keep us humble - you know that area that we wish God would "hurry up and fix". For me, my Christian walk is about serving God & blessing others WHILE I'm waiting on Him to "fix me". You're not the only one who slacks off during good times - I'm CONVINCED that's why God won't let my thorn go away...lest I forget His goodness and try to make it on my own. Keep pressing on! We all have to continue to strive to be more like Him! You BLESSED me with your honesty!
I think you said what you said wonderfully...my pastor has been preaching on faith alot recently and asking questions and I know that for me when things are easy or calm it is so easy to take control and do things my way! For me, while I hate trials and struggles it is there that I am reminded of how great a sacrifice Jesus made on my behalf, how much he truly understands my needs and how much love He truly has for me! Keep your chin up! Enjoy the focus being on your girls...and when you get home keep it there!( As a wife who sometimes feels underappreciated at home I was heartened by your admiting your faults!) We are praying for you!
Love from Kansas City
Keeping the prayers for your girls and for YOU, going. Sure you are not perfect ( who is?), but you do one heck of a job being a fabulous husband and dad. You are a good person, not only because of your situation, but bc you can admit your faults.
Prayers going up, for more tiny miracles to come down!
Amen, Nate!!
All we can do is let the Lord work in and through us...yes, unfortunately it is when we are in the valleys of life that we reach out to Him the most...BTDT!
Praying for you, your girls, and the thousands that are being touched through your website.
Thanks to you and a friend of mine who also blogs, I have started my own blog and have placed your blogsite on it.
Feel free to drop in anytime.
In Him,
Beth in PA
Thanks for sharing that stuff! Just so you know, and I am sure you do, that you are not alone in those thoughts of faith in God. A real encouragement to hear from your heart! Thanks for doing that man!
That was very well said. I know that sharing fears and concerns with others, let alone complete strangers, is hard to do. I have been praying for your whole family. Thank you for sharing your story.
After this post, you are left un-judged. If that makes sense. We all struggle with our own spiritual weakness. Thanks for being real. I wonder in my thoughts if this will be a movies someday! I totally understand the writing thing versus the talking thing...lol...
Regardless- I still think you are pretty awesome. It is so much easier to write about your faith than to act in faith sometimes.
My husband and I lost a pregnancy in 05. A pregnancy that we prayed long and hard for. Had I been a blogger, this would have been similar to how I would have worded my feelings at the time. My mom said to me, "You have always been stubborn, and this time in your life is no exception. You can't fix anything without the help of God, and if you aren't willing to let Him come in and fix it, and put all of your faith and trust into the One whom you can't see, than it will never be fixed." Being the brat that I am, I didn't like hearing her say that. I wanted to do it my way. I begged God to show me how to deal with my loss, my anxiety, and my depression. He revealed Himself to me two weeks later, while in the choir loft at my church while singing these words:
No matter the storms that come my way
No matter the trials I may face
You promised that you would see me through
So I will trust in you.
As many times as I had sung those precious words, standing in that very spot, they never really meant as much to me as they did on that day. In the middle of that song I fell to my knees, and threw up my hands and gave it all to Him. I left church, that day, a free woman.
I've learned, since then, that it doesn't matter how long we've been in church. It doesn't matter that we've spent our whole lives in church. We are growing Christians, and forever will be. We are human and we will forever make mistakes. I don't believe I suffered that loss as a result of punishment from God, but instead I believe that God showed me how much my faith was lacking because, like you, it was easier for me to praise Him in the good times, and forget about Him when things got tough, simply because I felt like I could fix my own problems quicker than He could. At 28, I still have so much more growing to do in my relationship with Christ, but I am able to fully give my life over to Him now, as well as all of my worry and doubt and be confident that He will take care of me. I couldn't do that before June 2005.
I'm not putting you up on a pedestal when "saying" this. You should be proud of yourself for admitting your faults. (BTW, most men are lazy babies when their wives are around! he,he. I've just put your wife and all good wives on a pedestal!) >;0) Lifting you up in prayer, Nate. Praying that the Lord continues to use you to share His love and mercy with the world. Praying that you continue to grow in your relationship with Him, through good and bad. Blessings to you.
Im sorry to say but I think that you have just been placed higher! lol
What an amazing post, and I for one would love to meet you one day and shake your hand.
Oh you were very right about the parenting getting harder once you get your little bundle home.
Its nice to see you are a regular kind of guy - Human!!
hugs xx
Nathan--I am glad you wrote this post today. It puts many things into perspective. Humility is something we all need to hear. I, too, am facing an illness that could be life-threatening and this was very helpful to me. I appreciate your honesty. I am praying for your precious family and you are in my thoughts daily. Take care!
Shari
Nate I to have struggled with anxiety and depression. I started having problems with my heart and it scared me and I had severe panic attacks. I've been on medication for 7 years. I still have good and bad times.I don't think your superhuman, none of us are and I know you have to have been so scared for both your girls in the last few weeks.I hate needles and the sight of blood makes me pass out. You have a beautiful family and your lucky to have so much love in your life.
Carmen
I don't think any one that you've inspired would expect you to be perfect. Personally, I think it is easier to be inspired by those more like me than by those so clearly out of my league. People that can be honest about their faults and their faith are the ones I feel I can connect with enough to be helped by. I'm challenged more by people I think I might be able to relate to. For me, you've just impressed me more by this post. You are honest in your seeking, feeling, and desire for God and being a better child of His.
Blessings to you! Others have said it better than I ever could.
Well, you may not have the faith of Abraham, or the constitution of Paul, but you have a transparency and honesty that make me envious. Yeah, I know—envy is a sin. I think you speak for most of us when you say that your faith is more evident in the hard times… when all you can do is trust God. And I don't think most of us are putting you on a pedestal, but rather lifting you up to encourage you and give you a pat on the back. We all need that at one time or another. In fact, we all need that pretty regularly. As far as our faith being tested, James says, "Blessed is the man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:12) You, my friend, are in for a blessing… and you are a blessing to me as you share your thoughts, your fears, your joys. Hang in there and keep trusting the only One who is worthy of our trust.
This is so good to hear. I think it describes most people, at least at somepoint in their life. I don't think we would be good Christians if we did not question our faith at least once in our life. I, too like you am horrible in my faith when I'm at an OK place in my life, but wouldn't you know, I'm the first to run to God if things are looking down, and he has his way of letting me know that He will answer my prayers in His own way and in His time, I may not think that the answer is good, expecially in my time of doubt, b ut later in my life I realize that His answer is just what I needed. I think it is perfectly healthy as a Christian to question your faith. I'm still praying for you and your family in Iowa, but please let me know if I can do more than pray. Thank you so much for your honesty, and remember that people keep reading your blog, because they are genuinley interested in what you have to say. Please excuse all of my spelling and typing errors!
It's always good to remember that God blesses us not because WE are good but because HE is good. It seems He often chooses to work through someone's weakness in order to show His strength.
Nate, if you had the most incredible faith in the universe it wouldn't be so amazing that you are trusting God to see you through this. It's amazing b/c you couldn't do it on your own.
I think we should all do Nate a favor and reserve the pedestal for the ONLY ONE who can stand there without falling--Jesus.
I praise God for how he is working in your lives--Nate, Tricia, & Gwyneth--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Your story touches my heart and strengthens my faith. Thank you for sharing it!
Julie
in Indiana
Pedestal? no. Human? yep. Sinner? yep. Worthy? yep.
My favorite quote: "Your anchor isn't tested in calm water."
The simple answer is FAITH. He is your friend. The hard answer is FAITH. So small, yet so large. Let go and He'll show you.
May the thousands of prayers gracefully rain down on you.
Kim www.MomUnscripted.com
Thank-you for your honesty and transparency Nate! You and your family are in our continued prayers.
Nate,
I found your blog through Sarah Smith's site and have been praying for all of you while following your amazing journey. So many things you've written have struck a chord with me, but perhaps none more so than today.
Depression and anxiety were once my foes also. I was 25 when I was diagnosed. That was 20 years ago. This forum won't allow the telling of the entire story, but the important part is that 20 years later, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm content, I'm fulfilled, and I know my God more intimately than I EVER would have had I not walked that dark and confusing road.
Satan loves to steal the joy of God's children, and depression and anxiety are excellent tools for accomplishing that. I clearly remember the day that truth dawned on me and then in the moments afterward how the Lord ministered to me by reminding me that HE has not given me a spirit of fear, but instead one of POWER and LOVE and of a SOUND MIND! Praise God for His faithfulness to all of us... even when we can't feel Him or sense Him in our lives.
Thank you for your transparency and honesty so that those who read your journal might be encouraged in their own journeys. I am blessed by your words and thoughts and covenant to continue praying with and for you, Tricia, Gwyneth Rose and all of your family in the weeks and months ahead.
Jennifer Castro
I think your honesty is very refreshing. I think we are all somewhat of a different persona online. (I know my blog probably sounds different than the real me.) I think God is using this to do a great work in your life and make you more and more the man He wants you to be!
Leah Courtney
Thank you so much for bearing your heart. Your walk is so not easy but we joy in the little steps.
Ive done the NICU ride 3 times and people would say oh your so strong. I identify with what you have written so much!
Again Thank you and I pray for you and your girls daily! Hold on to Jesus, He's holding on to you!
I LOVE number 5 on your list! The one time I did decide to donate blood, the week before my wedding (what was I thinking)I ended up with a nasty bruse and a scar to prove it!
Also, knowing that you are growing in your own faith as you write this blog, helps me more than you could imagine. Though we are all human, it is nice to see another NICU parent with a long road ahead, witnessing the awesome daily miracles of our Lord. Even if they come in the form of a good poop!
Off to one of my mulitple daily NICU scrub in sessions.
Prayers from Nashville
M, L, M & W (26.4 weeker)
I'm sure you are constantly debating how much to share in your blog and whether or not you really want to be this personal and transparent with people that you don't even know. I've been thinking about all of this lately and the picture that keeps coming to my mind is one of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people beseeching the throne of God on Gwen and Trisha's behalf. I would imagine that someone is praying for your girls at almost every moment of the day. I know I was earlier today as I was driving home from a doctor's appointment. And I was praying last night around midnight when I couldn't sleep. Your latest posting was a good reminder to me that we need to be praying for you and your parents and Trisha's parents too! This is tremendously hard on all of you and I think most of us who are believers admire the strength you are showing, but realize that you're human too. Sharing your weakness once again shows what God can do through mortal man. Time and time again God has done great things through flawed lives. Pick just about anyone out of the Bible and you realize that God loves to show His strength, through our weaknesses. Praying for you and the girls too!!
Amen and Praise the Lord. God is good and faithful.
~Sheryl
Aren't we all chamber pots that God can miraculously use for wine for The King? :) I understand where you are coming from completely. I have struggled with anxiety depression myself and I also find myself imagining weird things like you descibe that sometimes scare me. Recently I've had to learn when those thought come, immediately start praying for someone. Satan was really using those thoughts against me a couple of months ago. I'm so glad we have a God who loves us, wants what is best for us, and is willing to teach us!! Even when we screw up so much of the time!! Thanx for being so candid. You are a blessing to many. Lots of prayers coming your way from our house. :)
"When I am at my weakest, He makes His strength most evident"
Amen to that!
See, THIS post is exactly why you are an amazing person. You and Tricia are real people and you've shared your real journey with us, not hiding any of your stumblings, weaknesses, doubts, or joys. You have both proven your faith by allowing the world into your lives and sharing how God is working through your family. If that's not a show of faith, I don't know what is.
Wishing all of God's blessings for Tricia, Gwyneth, and you!
Jill - faithful blog-stalker from WA
Nate, Don't be so hard on yourself - we are ALL human! Opening your heart to us like that, I truly believe, that God will SO honor and your faith and trust in Him will be even stronger! I still think you are amazing! And human!!! Thank you so much for sharing this - I have struggled with anxiety and depression as well, and being from a strong christian family - and a pastor's wife - admitting that would make me seem 'less' of a christian! Well, I'm not! I'm human! You've brightened my day and made me realize once more that God's love shines through us all, in all our situations, and that they are for a reason and for His glory, if we choose to be 'real'! God bless you!!! You and your girls remain in my prayers!
We don't think you are great, we think that the God you serve in GREAT and we are confident that He is showing His greatness in you! Any Greatness in any of us is from Him... I pray that He continues more and more to show you His Greatness and that He will continue more and more to let it shine in you! - The Stubbs in Huntsville AL
Tosses can of pedestal polish to Nate:
Your still up there, dude.
It sounds like you are only human! Go figure! Thanks for sharing your story as it HAS touched so many. We are currently in a situation where we are putting our trust in God and are waiting to find out what He has in store for us. It's never easy to completely give the control to God but He is always there trying to guide us in the right direction, if only we would listen!
I won't go into specifics, but my mother suffered from severe mental illnesses when i was young. While at the same time having to rely more on my faith with each passing day, I would often in the next breath scream out, why me? It's natural to be conflicted during troubled times. And, it is easy to be complacent during good times. But, what enduring the difficult times has allowed me to have a more honest and humbling relationship with God during good and bad times. Without learning this lesson early and often, I wonder if my faith would have survived.
You are so fun Nate. Sounds like you are just as human as the rest of us.
Christians are human! I think we all (I know I do) struggle with faith, hope, compassion, trust, etc... on a daily basis. Thankfully, our God is always faithful, trusting, compassionate, forgiving, and on and on.... Because of that, we are able to walk through life and continually learn about the magnitude of His awesome gift.
Nate, I've been reading your blogs now for about two weeks. You leave me speechless everytime I read them. Your courage through this journey is remarkable. Everyday, i pray for you and your two girls! I truly believe in my heart that everything will be ok and we'll all have a happy ending to read someday soon! Thinking of you all the way from Sudbury, Ontario, Canada! Looking forward to reading more and more.....
Take care.
Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. We love you guys.
OK we all knew you were human and a "man" but if this made you feel better go with it. :) You remind me of my son-in-law, the one with the triplets, he also loves to sit. If fact it is the one thing he misses from the 4 months they spent at the hospital (before birth and after). You are right things will be more difficult after the NICU but remember Gwyneth is new at this baby thing too so you will learn and grow toge