I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital

I found this at Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis. You may not fully enjoy/understand this unless you're a CFer or family/caregiver.

I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital (to the tune of Modern Major General, from Pirates of Penzance)
~ lyrics by Lauren and Brad Beyenhof

I am the very model of a patient in the hospital
I swallow every pill, if it is vitamin or mineral
I know my medications and their purpose gastronomical
From AquADEKs to Zithromax, in order pharmaceutical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters anatomical
I understand my PFTs; my lungs, my lobes, my bronchioles
About my sinus polyps, I am teeming with a lot of news
With many awful facts about the cultures from my airway tubes

With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes
With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes
With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway airway tubes

I'm very good at coughing up a sample to be analyzed
I know the scientific terms; the doctors' words do not surprise
In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital


I know my patient history, my surgeries and tune-ups past
My allergies, my FEV, and symptoms of a glucose fast
I follow doctors' orders for all testing that is annual
The DEXA scan, OGTT, a panel metabolical

I can tell exacerbation from a chest cold or the Asian flu
I know when intravenous meds and nothing else will really do
Then I take needed time off work to get a bit of decent rest
And do my nebs three times a day, while wearing my vibrating vest

And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest
And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest
And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibratingating vest

When airway clearance works, and so do medications in my veins,
Then I can go back to my job and exercise my itching brain
In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital


I know I need a lot of food with proteins, fats, and calories
To combat undernourishment and other harmful maladies
The salt shaker and butter dish are staples for my every meal
Unless I take my enzymes first, a tummy-ache I'm sure to feel

My appetite is huge and I eat many meals throughout the day
I feast on roast beef, Chinese food, and pretzels made by Frito-Lay
When I have gained some weight, my progress seems to be so positive
I'm sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help me live

She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live
She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live
She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her help her live

My family is supportive, and because of them I am so blessed
My doctors and my nurses want to help me be my very best
But still, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

But still, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital