Monday, March 17, 2008

I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital

I found this at Breathing Deeply: My Life With Cystic Fibrosis. You may not fully enjoy/understand this unless you're a CFer or family/caregiver.

I Am the Very Model of a Patient in the Hospital (to the tune of Modern Major General, from Pirates of Penzance)
~ lyrics by Lauren and Brad Beyenhof

I am the very model of a patient in the hospital
I swallow every pill, if it is vitamin or mineral
I know my medications and their purpose gastronomical
From AquADEKs to Zithromax, in order pharmaceutical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters anatomical
I understand my PFTs; my lungs, my lobes, my bronchioles
About my sinus polyps, I am teeming with a lot of news
With many awful facts about the cultures from my airway tubes

With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes
With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway tubes
With many awful facts about the cultures from her airway airway tubes


I'm very good at coughing up a sample to be analyzed
I know the scientific terms; the doctors' words do not surprise
In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital



I know my patient history, my surgeries and tune-ups past
My allergies, my FEV, and symptoms of a glucose fast
I follow doctors' orders for all testing that is annual
The DEXA scan, OGTT, a panel metabolical

I can tell exacerbation from a chest cold or the Asian flu
I know when intravenous meds and nothing else will really do
Then I take needed time off work to get a bit of decent rest
And do my nebs three times a day, while wearing my vibrating vest

And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest
And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibrating vest
And do her nebs three times a day, while wearing her vibratingating vest


When airway clearance works, and so do medications in my veins,
Then I can go back to my job and exercise my itching brain
In short, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

In short, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital



I know I need a lot of food with proteins, fats, and calories
To combat undernourishment and other harmful maladies
The salt shaker and butter dish are staples for my every meal
Unless I take my enzymes first, a tummy-ache I'm sure to feel

My appetite is huge and I eat many meals throughout the day
I feast on roast beef, Chinese food, and pretzels made by Frito-Lay
When I have gained some weight, my progress seems to be so positive
I'm sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help me live

She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live
She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her live
She's sure that all these foods and supplements will truly help her help her live


My family is supportive, and because of them I am so blessed
My doctors and my nurses want to help me be my very best
But still, in matters of my body, viral and bacterial
I am the very model of a patient in the hospital

But still, in matters of her body, viral and bacterial
She is the very model of a patient in the hospital

19 comments:

Heather Paulsen said...

ooh first comment...I'm quick!

I can't believe I know the tune to that song...so scary!

Cute, cute!

Caroline said...

verrrrry funny! Get it all, tune as well!!!!! I'll be humming that in bed now!

Caroline said...

plus - you have shared so much about Tricia, I think it qualifies most if us TO understand...lol Thanks for such great information!

April said...

Before I was a nanny, I was a CNA at a hosp. That is great, and so true of "frequent flyers" as we would would call those who have to be in and out of the hosp. God Bless!

Bobbi said...

it's sad...I will be singing this song in my head while I'm at work tonight....I understand this song completely.

Michelle said...

GREAT!!! I am supposed to be studying for a math test and now I will have that song stuck in my head...except now the words are all squirly in my head. YIKES!!! Very cute...

melissam2 said...

Absolutely hysterical!!

mythreegirlsear said...

I love the original and the new version. Very informative and entertaining. You should be a teacher!

Manda said...

:) I understand this completely as I'm a cfer too, made me laugh as I was humming the tune as I read it:)

elj377 said...

Didn't get all the jokes but since it is my favorite Pirates of Penznance song I enjoyed singing it! Hope Tricia's feeling better and that Baby Gwyneth is doing good!

Jen in Al said...

very clever. great tune! Hilarious play! Praying, jen in al

Debra said...

Have you read any of Lauren's other silly songs? She's done quite a few of them recently. My two favorites are to the tune of Beauty and the Beast and The Sound of "Mucus". She's so funny! Go to cf.com and look under lightNlife blog.
Aspiemom

Gretchen said...

Too funny...of course, now that song will be stuck in my head forever!

Amber said...

Thanks for posting that, Nate! I thoroughly enjoyed it! :) I'm still praying for all of you! Keep fighting the good fight! You're impacting the Kingdom and lives are being changed in Jesus' name! :)

Amber Metz

Karen said...

Nate, You play guitar and sing...so, how's about a stirring rendition?

Paul and Christy said...

Wow, they will put anything to music. That is wild.
Christy

Larissa said...

wow, that's a mouthful. and a heartfull and a lifefull... thanks for sharing. maybe you and tricia can work it up as a duet once her trach is out for good and you can post of video for yourselves singing it?
still praying here in iowa!

Lauren said...

Hi Nate! Thanks so much for the free publicity!

My husband and I have been following your blog for awhile now. We hope to for continued progress and blessings for your family.

In His Grip,
Lauren

Nycole said...

Hilarious. My husband (with CF) will love it when I serenade him tonight!