Monday, March 31, 2008

(Bump) Afraid of Heights

Mondays are good for Recycling! This was originally posted on 1.31.08.

(A Friendly Warning: This post may be slightly PG-13 rated due to some of the things I talk about...just a heads up, especially for parents who let their kids read the blog)


Lately, with the blog, I've been becoming slightly self-conscious. Reading the comments and emails and cards and notes is such an encouragement, but it feels as if I'm being unjustly placed on a pedestal (in other words, many of you seem to think I'm all that and a bunch of raisins, which I'm not), and I'm scared that one day (knowing me, probably someday soon), I'm going to show my true colors and disappoint a lot of people. I'd much prefer to do something preemptive to help lower myself down a little...I am afraid of heights.

So, for the sake of honesty and transparency, let me share a few things about myself.

1) I'm pretty sure that being a great dad is going to be a whole lot harder when the NICU nurses are no longer her primary caregivers. I don't think I really need to say much more...see #3 for some more insight into this one.

2) I envy those people who's faith is most evident in the good times. I totally stink when it comes to having an awesome relationship with God in the good times. I keep asking myself why it takes something like my present situation to really make me believe that God really is who He says he is. I "seem" to do a pretty good job on my own most of the time...it seems to me that it's often a lot easier to trust God when you've nothing left to lose than to trust Him when things are going well. I tend to take the easy road...

3) I am a much better husband when Tricia is in the hospital than when Tricia is at home. I'm lazy, selfish, procrastinatory (yes, that is a word), and stubborn, especially around Tricia. I do a great job of showing off the best of me when I'm around most other people, but trust me, I'm no saint when it comes to my marriage, and Tricia would be the first to tell you that (although she probably never would tell you just 'cause she's so stinkin' nice).

4) I'm a much better and more prolific writer than I am a talker. I don't talk much (my mom loves to call me "a brick wall"). The only time I really talk a lot is when I'm placed in a leadership role with a group of people. Most other times, I do a lot more listening than talking. And when I do talk, I usually don't have too many brilliant things to say...and, even when I do, I usually don't say it well. For some reason, I feel much more comfortable writing than I do talking.

5) I have never donated blood. I'm very scared of needles that are pointed toward me.

6) This blog has done more for me than is has for anybody else. God knew what He was doing when He put the desire in my heart to journal this journey. I thought it would be a good way to keep our friends and family informed and to help others who may take a similar journey after us. Little did I know that God was going to show our story to thousands of people...and little did I know that He was going to use this blog to change my future in the way He has.

You see, back in the summer, around the same time that Tricia was being evaluated for the double lung transplant, I was being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. For several years, I've dealt with feelings and thoughts that have confused and frustrated me. I think and feel and act in ways that I know are not the way I've been called to be as one who lives for and in Christ.

For the past few years, and especially the past several months, I've had thoughts of what my life might be like if Tricia died so young. It's not so much that this kind of thinking is bad...it was the possibilities that came into my mind that seemed to be attractive that really scared me. I wondered if I would secretly run away with our dog and cat and try to start a new life somewhere...or, maybe I would be so numb that I'd sit at home until I either died or was placed in a mental institution...or, maybe I'd be so distraught that I'd hurt myself, or worse...

Up until a few months ago, I just couldn't imagine dealing with the grief in a "healthy" way, continuing with my faith in God, living a productive life without Tricia. The alternatives just seemed a whole lot easier, on several different levels. And, I've been very scared to talk with anyone about this.

But, through watching (with the rest of you) with incredible awe and humility the ways that God has been using Tricia and Gwyneth to change so many hearts and lives, He has also been changing me. God deserves all of the credit for anything good that has come out of our story, and I am just floored that He is using me to tell it.

I'll be honest, most of the faith-focused stuff that I've been writing on this blog has been more about me having an outlet to put on "paper" the things that I really need to read and hear to believe are true. Do I totally believe what I mean when I say that I'm trusting God with the lives of my two girls? Of course not! But, thinking it in my head and heart, writing it on this blog for thousands to see, and witnessing the response from you has brought me so much closer to that total faith and trust than I have ever been. When I post things that seem to come from a person of great faith, realize that they're actually being posted for a person with little faith.

I think what I'm trying to say is, if faith is always as easy as placing all of our trust in something/Someone all the time, then I'm not really sure that is real faith at all. I sit in chairs all the time (going back to that lazy thing), and I can't remember the last time a chair decided it wasn't going to hold me (although with all of this hospital and fast food, I'm becoming more suspicious)...but I don't think that my faith in those chairs is really anything to write home about.

If my faith in God is never tested, if my trust that He is always there and always wanting the best for me is always 100%, God might as well be a piece of furniture. And, up until just recently, maybe that's exactly what my thoughts, words and actions were showing about my God...

As I've mentioned a few times, it's not so much that I have incredible faith...it's more that I have an incredible God Who has chosen to put me in an incredible situation that only gave me two choices: rely on my own will and strength and stamina, or increase my trust in God. Knowing my own limitations, the choice was pretty simple.

When I am at my weakest, He makes His strength most evident.

God is using your stories and comments and emails to give me hope for my own life. I know I've said it many times, but I'm believing more and more that, after this part of our journey is over, God will still be Who He is, no matter the outcome.

Thank you for helping me. This post wasn't as clearly written as I had hoped (and I've been wanting to write this for a long time now), but hopefully I've brought my pedestal down at least a little...

Nate

259 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 259 of 259
Anonymous said...

Thank you for being real.

Niki said...

Nate,

Get outta my head! You have expressed EVERYTHING I feel about our journey. I'll be linking this post to my blog for sure.

Anonymous said...

Human...yes...But, still amazing...
Your humility and unfailing love for God are a testament to all of us...
Awe-struck by how He is using your story and still praying, Dana and Wil Haupfear

Toya P said...

Thank you so much for keeping it real. You may not have expressed it as well as you wanted to on paper, but this particular confession has so touched my heart (and many many others apparently!)
Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it.
May God continue to keep you and your girls.

angela said...

I too used to stink at having a great relationship with God during the "good" times. But because of His awesome mercy and patience during those times of hardship, I can now say that may faith and relationship with Him is as equally as strong through both the good and the bad times. "God is patient, God is good..." He knows exactly what you need in order for you to trust in Him fully in ALL circumstances. "He has made me glad" are the words that are constantly on my lips, and I'm sure will be the words on yours even in the good times. You WILL remember this trial and your relationship with our awesome heavenly father will continue to be strong, even in the "good" times. Pray without ceasing and always give Him praise. Those two things will help you keep your head on straight. Take Care guys. We're praying for you all!

Anonymous said...

Awesome!! Thank you for reaching inside yourself and putting it better than a lot of us could. It took courage to post this blog and that is something you seem to have in increasing measure, for you and your girls. I'm praying God's continued blessing.....

Anonymous said...

Nate I just want to thank you for your honesty in sharing the good and the not so hot....Your sharing of your times of doubt and uncertainty are quite possibly more convicting than hearing the "perfected" version.Hearing that you are having to choose to run on faith rather than on a certainty makes me think that in my fallible state I too could hang on to God's promise in the tough times. The Apostles lived and breathed the same air as Jesus. They were part of His miracles. They were given the power to perform their own in His name. They saw, they experienced, they lived...yet still they wondered who He truly was and what it was really all about. They denied Him, they betrayed Him, yet they loved Him just as we do. Fortunately only God is perfect....thank you for the sharing of the inner you...Made me feel better about me "smile"

Anonymous said...

Thank you Nate for such a powerful lesson, you have encouraged me in ways you will never know. It even brought me out of lurkdom! :) I am praying for yall!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post. Amaaazing! I will pray for you(plural).

Paige Hinrichs said...

You ARE human! I was beginning to wonder. :)

I like your explanation of faith and you're right, if it were easy, it wouldn't be faith. Ok, so you said it so much better. :)

You are just like my family! We call my sister the "Brick Wall" and your humor is like my husband's.

Praying an extra special blessing for Tricia, you and Gwyneth today.

Sonja said...

Nate, this is my first time commenting, and my first time reading that particular post... Thank you for bringing it back for us to see. I read your blog and think, how can someone have such great faith and I compare myself and my beliefs, and they don't even compare. Thank you for sharing those feelings and letting us know that it is ok to not be the most faithful at all times, we are only human. I want to let you know that your girls are beautiful and that my prayers are with all 3 of you. Also, nobody wants a perfect father and I am sure that there is no such thing as a perfect husband either. :) You will however be a great father, even without the nurses help. Thank you again for such a wonderful post.

sarasusen said...

Nate,
I wanted to encourage you with this scripture: "For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and contrite heart- These, O God, You will not despise." Meditate on that and be blessed! Still praying up here in snowy Northern Maine!

Marsmile said...

Couldn't recall if I left a comment on this post, and just checked and saw that I did.

This post is one of the most powerful writings you've done and to sum it up, we are human and that is why we need God!

Thanks for bumping this post as it is a great reminder for every single one of us!

Take care,
Marissa

rita from georgia said...

YOUR ARE HUMAN!!!!
MY HUSBAND HAS HAD CANCER AND WHEN THEY CAME OUT AND TOLD ME AFTER SURGERY, I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO REBUKE GOD OR GET ON MY KNEES. THIS IS REAL LIFE WE ARE PLAYING. IT IS NOT ALWAYS FUN TO BE IN THE ACTION, BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE DON'T GET A CHOICE. YOU WILL DO JUST AS I HAVE DONE THE BEST YOU CAN AND TAKE EVERY MINUTE AS IT COMES. PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND SOMETIMES WHEN ALONE GO IN A ROOM AND SCREAM!!! RITA

kekkey said...

depression is a scary, crazy thing. i've walked that walk for years. the months since my third child was born have been dark to say the least. your story has helped me see the light, to remember what's really important.

here's what a mother of 10 (yes, that is the number ten--the one after nine and before eleven) told me when i asked if she knew the fog of self-doubt and exhaustion that my postpartum depression had left me in...

"Hmmm....foggy, self-doubt, exhaustion...lemme see.............yep!

Yep, definitely recognize the place! If you could see the walls, you might be able to read my grafitti, even.

The thing is, it's not necessarily a bad place. Self-doubt is exactly what you should have. There is no way we can do this job ourselves. Doubt yourself with all your strength, but never, ever doubt God's ability to lead, protect, teach, carry, and shine through you while you're there. He can, and He will."

keep the faith.

hugs,
kelley

pam said...

The theory at our home as we follow your lives through this blog is that you're all just like us. We all find ourselves walking through something that others can't imagine. God's grace is sufficient. It sucks that the lungs didn't work out, but even in that God used His Word to smack me up the side of the head and got my attention. So while the reality of what you guys are living is UNIMAGINABLE to me. It's not to our God. He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. And it's not a problem in our home if you're human, you won't get too hurt around here---your pedestal is much lower than His throne. We don't come here looking for perfection. We come here looking for God in the midst of reality.

Anonymous said...

Hon, this just means you are a human being. Everyone struggles with faith at times and it does help to have people backing you up to show you faith is still there. You and your beautiful girls are in my prayers

Mashel said...

I am so sorry to tell you this, but honesty is a quality that everyone also loves. In other words, you didn't lower yourself off of the pedistal, you only showed that you are honest and pure like the rest of us.
God puts times like this in our lives to bring us closer to Him, but I promise you will never be the same. Now when things are going well you will be full of Praise for him, because you will always have this in your mind and your heart. Both of your girls are miracles and you will see that each and every time you look at them.
Stay up there, you are an inspiration.

Blessings From Above said...

I'm sorry, I think your plan back- fired. After reading your last post, I am even in more awe of you!

Carri said...

thank you soo much for letting us seee you as who you are. It DOSEN"T make me think less of you but makes me see as a real man full of faith! What I admire most about is how much you love and are devoted to your two girls!! They are both very lucky! God bless the 3 of you my prayers are with you

Ruthanne said...

Nate, I have been reading your story from the very beginning and this is the first post that made me cry! I heard about your story through Sarah Brown who is a former roommate of one of Trisha's sisters. Sarah goes to our church. I can really identify with what you just talked about because I often feel the same things. You are a wonderful writer, and God is using you during this time to speak to a lot of people whom you could not have reached out to otherwise. Those verses in Isaiah really spoke to me this morning also. They were just what I needed! Thank you for writing and sharing what you and Trisha are going through! I will keep reading and praying for both of you - for God's blessing on your family and for Trisha to get those lungs!!

Kerry said...

About the pedestal. I never thought that way. What I like is that you are *human.* But your also a witness to so many things that its overwhelming at times. Its all tangiable stuff that changes a person and a perspective of ones Faith. You are going through so much growth to say your human is okay. What man wouldn't have anxiety with a sick Wife and a Baby in Nicu. Its enough for anyone to be down or be stressed somewhat.
As I read through your posts and I did lurk a lot. What comes to mine is your trust in God no matter what the situation you never waivered.
I read Ricks Post and he is so right about what faith is.

What i love the most about you is that you are human and stay humble.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Tricia and baby Gwyneth Rose.

Kerry Michigan

Unknown said...

I just wanted to thank you for your last two posts...God is using them right now, as He works on my heart. I miscarried our first baby four months ago and have not been able to get pregnant again. It seems like everyone else around me is pragnant or has just had a baby. I've been having a really rough time the past few days, hardening my heart towards God in a way that I haven't since we lost the baby. But He's using your posts to break my hard heart. Thank you. God is doing amazing things through you. I pray for you often, and I will be lifting you up in prayer as you deal with the disappointment of this "dry run".

Emily said...

Hang in there, guys! You were in my prayers last night as I know what the "wait" is like. Never lose the Hope that Christ brings and His timing is always perfect even when we think it's sometimes late. I've had 4 dry runs so far and we are praying the next will be the last and I pray this for you as well.

The Ralph Family said...

Nate, I read this today and felt like you were talking through me! I have recently come across your blog and you and your family have become an inspiration to me in many ways. Please know you have another person praying for you and wishing you the best. And, for me to say "I am praying for someone" and not feeling like a total phony is new, partially thanks to you!
Stephanie

Kerry said...

I agree with Rick *Men don't run cowards run!*

I have lived with chronic disease for almost eleven years. My husband is a Man. He stuck it out through so much and for that I am thankful.It was never ever easy for him and I saw that in his eyes. It way harder to stick it out and fight for that person then to walk like a coward would.
I know others who married coward who left at the first sign of problems never to return.
That said.

I have great respect for you Nate your there in the trenches with Tricia fighting with her and for her. That my friend is the definition of a *Man*
As for a Daddy your already one of those. You showed the one picture of brushing Gwyneths hair. The look on your face.Your already there and you will be fine. Parenthood is about growth and you will do a lot of that with her. No right or wrong way . You will just do what needs doing.
So your human..thats a wonderful thing. Don't be to hard on you...just be who you really are.
God is doing a lot of work right now refining who you are...polishing maybe. I got a feeling you will be just fine.

Violet said...

No one is perfect. I can definately see how being a husband in this situation would be different from when you're just at home with every day life.
I think the important part is that you're doing a great job.
lots of love to you all.

Em said...

Nate, I appreciate your honesty with your struggles. I really admire you putting it all out there.

amy smith said...

geez, not praying for humility for you! praying for continued trust and faith, in the GOOD times to come....

Carol said...

Very interesting. I, too, am much better at expressing myself in type than in words. And, when my brother was very, very sick, being able to write in his CaringBridge site was very cathartic and helpful for me--although others thought it was to keep them informed! We are all merely mortals so not perfect. And, thank goodness we have God to turn to in times of trouble. I have been through some very difficult times only in my adult life as I had a pretty idyllic childhood but, after surviving all of them so far, I find myself ever so much stronger for having dealt with them, and a better person in the end. I feel certain that you are going through the same process!

Kathy said...

I suspected you were human like the rest of us.

Melissa Dovel said...

Nate I think im comment #231 so who even knows if you will get to this. I speak for myself here by saying- you are who you are and we all just feel for and pray for you and what your going through. I fully expect that IF something were to happen and you posted noting but 4 letter words you would get tons of comments still loving on you! I dont think most have placed you on any sort of pedistool. You are amazing WITH you feet planted firmly on the ground! I pray that the Lord continues to use you and your story of CF and your premature miracle child as a light to lead people to the Lord.

Enough said:)

Blessings to all 3
Melissa

Shari said...

We are all human and God reminds us on a daily basis. You are a good man, husband and father. certain situations showcase it, but it is either there or it isn't. We all also have our stuggles, our demons and our fears. HE helps us, and I wonder sometimes how He is so adept at moving our lives when there are so many of us to take care of!! He brought Tricia to you. Gwyneth is the miracle child.

Shari NC

Lou Ann said...

I have followed your blog since for a few months and never left a message. This is the first - and I have to tell you that you and your entire family are the greatest. Your writings are the best. I check on you daily even though my workplace has "blogs" blocked - I found a way around it and often sneak-a-peek!

God Bless You All

Shannon said...

Thank you for sharing that. I know how hard that must have been to voice out loud.

asplashofsunshine said...

I hope you give yourself credit for being so candid, so loving to Tricia, Gwyneth, and for simply being a wonderful man. Faith has its ups and downs, but what you know inside your heart is just as important. Again, thanks for your thoughts. You've opened my eyes.

Leesa said...

All I can say is thank you. I continue to pray.

The Nikkels said...

Nate
thank you for reminding me to not take my faith for granted. To not only rely on God in the difficult times in life and to realize how blessed I am...and that I ALWAYS need to rely on God. Thank you.
Laura

John & Michelle said...

Nate,
I really needed to read that. Since Christmas, my husband and I have been going through some struggles with something we've been praying about for over a year. We thought it was all working out the way we "planned". Well, needless to say, we have been reminded that it's his plan!!! And I also am guilty of having more faith in bad times.

Since finding your blog, I have been giving thanks for my many blessings! I have even given thanks for the "No" now so there can be a "greater YES" later! He is moving mountains for us right now and I know he is in control of it all!

Thank you for sharing your lives with us and for helping my faith to grow!

Michelle
still praying in Illinoin

UKNat said...

This is one of my favorite quotes: "God is not working toward a particular finish. His purpose is the process itself. What He desires from me is that I 'see Him walking on the sea' with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see Him...

It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God."

-Oswald Chambers,"My Utmost for His Highest"

staci said...

sorry mister - this post knocked you up a step in my book- try harder next time - staci

Laurie in SC said...

Hello, Lawrensons! I just came across your blog yesterday through a link from another blog. What an awesome story you are in the middle of living! And what a beautiful family you are. Thank you, Nate, for your boldness and bravery in your "afraid of heights" post. I really needed to hear your words today. I have often felt the same way, but have been too ashamed even to admit it to myself! But, God made us exactly the way we are, human, fallible and REAL...needing Him every step of the way, even needing His help to trust Him! It is definitely a daily challenge and, as you say, not meant to be easy...if it were...what would it mean? Anyway, thanks for saying it out loud. I am thankful I now know you guys and can follow your journey as you blog. I will pray for you. You are doing all God ever asked us to do...make a positive difference for His kingdom, and all three of you are doing that in spades! God bless you, Laurie Epting of Columbia, SC

Amy said...

I think that God is using your gift for writing to articulate the struggle that many of us go through, but are unable to express. I too have gone through the most difficult year of my life this past year (for very different reasons) and have discovered a stronger faith during this crisis than I ever had in the previous 31 years of relative peace and quiet. Thank you for your transparent honesty and for giving all of us the opportunity to share this journey with you and your family. Still praying!!

MyAwesomeOliveShoots said...

You have a powerful and transparent way of writing. It was a long post and I read every word. As a mom of a Nathan, (are you a Nathaniel, it means gift of God?), I think you are allowing your light to shine in an amazing way.

~j~ said...

thank you for sharing what most if not all of us have thought or experienced at one time or another personally or spiritually. It's evident that God is using you and Tricia to acheive HIS greater purpose for HIS glory and we are drawing close to HIM as a result. God is on the throne and we should only be at HIS feet as really the object of prayer is to draw closer to HIM.

CF Mom said...

Nate:
I've been following your story as I have a daughter with CF who may someday need a lung transplant. I can only tell you that your blog "afraid of heights" really took my breath away. I believe that we mere mortals are often guilty of counting on God more in the bad times than the good. I've recently been ill and required surgery and know that I had to open my heart and truly rely on my faith to help me through these times. I have a wonderful family and church family who have said many a prayer for me. While I'm not where "I" would like to be, if it weren't for them, I don't think I would be doing as well as I am.
Keep up the good work and just know that God will take care of you, Tricia and Gwyneth in good times and bad. You are all in my daily thoughts and prayers. Lynn R

CF Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Dusty Frame said...

I don't know if you'll see this:)

I've been praying for you today and was so disappointed.

Not as disappointed as you I know that.

I am able in some ways to understand some of the things you shared here and on your post about how to be in 2 places at once.

I blog also to share what God is doing in our lives and marvel that He uses our story to touch the hearts of others.

I blog also because I don't want to forget the blessings that are abundant even when life here stinks.

My husband is not ill, but is in prison. So it's a very different story and similar in the ways that our faith has to grow.

Hang in there. So many are praying for you.
Lizzie
www.adustyframe.com

Laura said...

good post. :)

Sonia said...

Dear Nick,

We lost our baby girl almost exactly 2 years ago. We were pregnant with twins after struggling with years of infertility (finally got pregnant right before our 9th wedding anniversary). Our Rachel's water broke at 18 weeks and we were told it was over and there was may be a 1% chance for our Isaac to make it. Rachel did not agree and hung on inside me with absolutely no amniotic fluids for 5 more weeks and both Isaac and Rachel were born at 23w0d. Rachel lived for 102 minutes (which was another miracle) before she went into the arms of Jesus. Isaac was on the vent for almost 3 months, had open heart surgery and stayed in NICU for 6 months. It was the most painful experience I ever went through. BUT it was also BY FAR the most blessed experience I ever went through. I started a blog as well. Nothing like yours but I was amazed that we had hundreds of people praying for us all over the world. God broke my husband and I and built us back up. Looking back, I can't imagine what I would be like if things happening a different way. God has changed all of us so much through what we went through. Our hearts are softer, our marriage is stronger, we are better parents to Isaac and we are closer with our Lord Jesus. Through it all, God was ALWAYS faithful, ALWAYS good. Continuing to pray for you and your girls.

In Christ,
Sonia

Tricia said...

I really thank you for being so open. I have had to learn all that this year too. I faced brain surgery, eye surgery because of the brain surgery, double vision 24 hours a day and so much more emotionally. God has taught me so much and I know what real faith looks like, even though I often did not exercise it. Thanks for the candid look into your heart. God bless you and Tricia and of course the beautiful little one. I know that your life has touched mine! God is so good all the time, good or bad! Just wish I, like you, could be so strong in the good stuff. Thanks again!

Tricia :)

Tera said...

wow! i 2 am a "silent stalker". i have grown closer to Father, hugged my kids and husband tighter and been truly changed through your family's story. you have a gift with words(at least the written ones) and your sincerity is unusual these days but it is what will make you a great husband and father! thank you is all i can say...
tera

beth said...

This comment is like 2 hundred and...almost 3 hundred....:)
I must say God has done incredible things in your families life. He has given you a wonderful gift to share such a personal part of who you are and has use you both to not only help each other grow but to reach MILLIONS. You have been use by God and continue to share from your heart.Thank you for reposting. I am blessed daily by God's amazing way He uses this blog...amazing!!!!
Praying you are not weary, and your strength does not waiver:)
Love, beth
(from hh)

amanda said...

Thanks for sharing and being so authentic because your post and the associated comments have personally helped me in something I've struggled with for a long time. I too have depression/anxiety and/or PTSD. which is a form of depression/anxiety, and I think these surely get in the way for me. I have to work extra hard to change my thinking patterns to more positive ones thank God not on a daily basis, which has come from intense work and healing.

Your post brought to mind Mother Teresa. In 1951 she wrote she was interested in sharing only the passion of Jesus's life. She wrote, "I want to drink ONLY (her emphasis) from his chalice of pain." She did, but not in the ways she expected.

She did not feel the presence of God anywhere, and this caused her great pain all through her ministry. She referred to her soul as the darkness. The more successful she was in her ministry the worse she felt.

She said in the beginning that Jesus spoke to her and wanted her to go to the slums, to the poor to "Come Be my Light." She did-look at her ministry! While personally dealing with "the darkness of her soul."

She told the Rev Michael Van der Peet: "Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear, the tongue moves in prayer but does not speak." Sept 1979. She wanted him to pray that she let Him have a free hand.

One of your anonymous commenters referenced 2 Cor 12:9 My power works best in your weakness.

Maybe He did this to Mother Teresa to serve his purpose here on Earth to serve as a witness to others.

Mother Teresa did feel redeemed in her life when she realized the darkness in her soul was the small share she had in Jesus's passion-it's what she wrote that she wanted.

Even though she wasn't feeling the love, had doubts about God, felt He had deserted her, she still trudged on getting up at 4:30 am writing to Jesus that all she wanted is His happiness. She still trusted Him completely even when she was full of doubt.

Now-she was really on a pedestal, and I think God puts people on that pedestal for a reason. To show us that He loves us no matter what, and to show the world or even a small part of the world these truths-all of them make the desired impact that He so desires, and to show us that we are only human, and He is all powerful, all knowing, and a forgiving, and loving God who is with us even when we have little or no faith, is constant in an unconstant world, and sometimes that is very difficult to comprehend/fathom on this side of heaven. I mean seriously if you really think about it it is!

God has you on a pedestal for a reason so try and not be afraid of that height-I think you can see all of the reasons in the comments, and your post. I really like what your dad commented.

Praying for you and all of us Nate.

CyndiAKADisneyqueen said...

I could put a check mark by a few of those myself. Sounds to me like you are human. By the way my husbands best sermons have been when we have been going through. I always tell him that our testimonies seem to come when we have been tested. I hope to one day be able to testify when good times come my way....one day. God is not through with me yet.

Amy Daughtridge said...

Hi, Nate! My name is Amy, and I live next door to Gretchen, who I believe you've talked to about helping with the CF walk here in Durham.

I am looking forward to meeting you, "perfect" or not on April 16! Gretchen told me about your blog, and now I'm hooked. It's great reading, and I pray for you and your family each time I read it.

When I heard the lungs were "no good," I logged on fully expecting a sad entry and an attempt to keep hoping. Instead, I read that you guys will look forward to a good day tomorrow. I'm not sure you realize how inspirational your blog truly is. Without "putting you on a pedestal," I know that God is using you to touch people and make them more aware of His presence in our daily lives. Remember, God doesn't call the qualified, but qualifies those He calls.

Hang in there. We'll keep praying!

Unknown said...

Never donated blood? I am a little surprised. You know, you could be saving someone's life with that blood. That's the gift of life we can give while we are still alive. Become a donor.

Mother of Invention said...

Another way to look at things is that God trusts you to use the intelligence and empathy He gave you in the best way to help yourselves in your situation. He is always on our side and wants the best for us, no doubt. Your faith that you are not alone in this, but have God on your side, will give you the strength to deal with whatever you will have todeal with in Life.

Best in all!

Aimee said...

i understand what you are saying too. in a way, since i have been there myself, i agree with number one. at the same time though without the NIC nurses we wouldn't have the opportunity or chance to be parents outside of the NIC.

glad you are finding ways to "channel your emotions" and allowing the rest of us to "go along for the ride"

you and yours are still in my thoughts and prayers

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